God has convicted me of condemnation.
I have used this blog to hurt my friends while intending to help them. I don't want people to feel guilty, I want people to seek God more.
I refuse to continue doing things this way, but rather seeking the best way to display God's love, in the hope that kindness will lead to repentance.
I love you all.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wisdom from South Dakota
Proverbs 9:10
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.
and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.
I've spent the last two weeks since my return from Pine Ridge, South Dakota decompressing. I definitely feel more solid, stable perhaps, than I was when I arrived on the Rez, but why? What does that mean? I think God gave me the answer in this verse.
While meeting people and spending time with new friends, I've been more... part frustrated, part hurt, by people's attitudes than ever. Not toward me; everyone's friendly enough. But toward their lives and toward God. Instead of earnestly seeking to do what pleases God, we justify our actions and take pride in our ability to call what is evil good. We focus on not committing sins and fail to see God's heart. Example:
I'm riding in a van with some new friends. The driver is playing California Girls by Katy Perry. He's singing along enjoying himself until Snoop Dogg comes on and utters a profane word. "Ohh!" he responds. He went too far. The entire song is based in lust. As my home pastor would say, it's a worship song to the idol Asherah. The entire song is unclean speech, but that one word is just too unclean to handle.
I've learned a lot from the prophet Jeremiah this summer. It's hard to tell if He even likes God, let alone loves Him, except for the fact that he obeys Him. That's how God tells us to express our love: "If you love me, you will obey what I command." (John 14:15)
He would complain, sure, but he would still go out and prophesy in the streets, even while knowing that people (especially religious and political leaders) want him dead for speaking the truth. They don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear it. They had become just like the idols that they unknowingly worshiped.
Aγαπη (agape), the type of love God calls us to is not "I love you because you do good things for me or make me feel good." It's "I love you because I choose to." So I learned that it doesn't matter how I feel. Certainly some spiritual discernment is in feelings, but I had to lay myself down. I had never counted the cost, really. I have decided that whether or not I ever feel God's presence again, whether or not I have joy and peace, if indeed my life is nothing but pain, still I will choose to actively seek out God's heart to know Him and love Him.
I've learned that when I'm most down, most hurt, and most empty is often when I am the most transformed. I freely welcome the pain of healing. I invite the burn of the consuming fire removing the impurities, not just in action, but in attitude.
I've worked under the preconception that, because Christ essentially changed everything in His coming, the Old Testament can essentially be picked through like a yard sale or an old storage unit. "This is beautiful and has a low price: I'll take it; this isn't worth it, it's kinda pricey and weird. Let's throw it out." I've seen people throw out the fear of the Lord. "It can't really mean fear, of course. That's respect for God." or "The wrath of God is over now that Jesus came. God is a God of love now." Certainly no one likes a fire-and-brimstone preacher these days. Too judgemental.
How can we ever have wisdom without the fear of the Lord? I think we may accidentally have thrown that one out, too. "Woe is me!" Isaiah cries before the throne of God. "My speech and that of everyone around me is so unclean; How can I stand before you?" Only through a painful, burning coal touched to his lips is he cleansed. Then he immediately signs up for the first job God offers. He loves and obeys.
I fear God because of the pain I experienced this summer. Because of the intense spiritual darkness of being on a Native American reservation, I was stripped of most spiritual blessings I'm used to. I fought in prayer and worship and received only faint glimmers of His abounding joy. Of course I had fun at times and I loved the people I was with. But it was truly painful. I love Him more for allowing me to go through that trial and appreciate more the joy and love I get to see. And I'm more stable, secure, wise.
A passage I found in Ezekiel recently wrecked me. In a vision He gave to Ezekiel, the Lord had a man put a mark on the forehead of each person in the city of Jerusalem that was crying out to Him, anguished over the sin that permeated the city. He had six other men with deadly weapons go out to kill the rest, those without the mark. The only ones of His people that were truly worth anything to Him were those that knew His heart well enough to feel His pain. Do you? For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. (Matthew 7:14) The path is terrifyingly narrow. It's the relationship, not the religion that will save you. There's no way that the 70 some percent of Americans who say Jesus Christ is Lord are on the narrow path to life.
I watched a video of Bill Wiese speaking on his vision of hell. People question his theology, try to poke all kinds of holes in his story, whatever. It was powerful and he pointed everything to scripture. I'd never really considered hell before. I've never had more desire to pray for my friends and family, after that. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I live my live more in the light of eternity than I ever have because I fear Him.
Thankfully, as I learned from a friend's sermon out of the book of James, God freely gives wisdom to those who ask for it, like it's His job. I asked and received, though it was painful. Praise the Lord for the ability to know the joys and the pain of His heart.
While meeting people and spending time with new friends, I've been more... part frustrated, part hurt, by people's attitudes than ever. Not toward me; everyone's friendly enough. But toward their lives and toward God. Instead of earnestly seeking to do what pleases God, we justify our actions and take pride in our ability to call what is evil good. We focus on not committing sins and fail to see God's heart. Example:
I'm riding in a van with some new friends. The driver is playing California Girls by Katy Perry. He's singing along enjoying himself until Snoop Dogg comes on and utters a profane word. "Ohh!" he responds. He went too far. The entire song is based in lust. As my home pastor would say, it's a worship song to the idol Asherah. The entire song is unclean speech, but that one word is just too unclean to handle.
I've learned a lot from the prophet Jeremiah this summer. It's hard to tell if He even likes God, let alone loves Him, except for the fact that he obeys Him. That's how God tells us to express our love: "If you love me, you will obey what I command." (John 14:15)
He would complain, sure, but he would still go out and prophesy in the streets, even while knowing that people (especially religious and political leaders) want him dead for speaking the truth. They don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear it. They had become just like the idols that they unknowingly worshiped.
Aγαπη (agape), the type of love God calls us to is not "I love you because you do good things for me or make me feel good." It's "I love you because I choose to." So I learned that it doesn't matter how I feel. Certainly some spiritual discernment is in feelings, but I had to lay myself down. I had never counted the cost, really. I have decided that whether or not I ever feel God's presence again, whether or not I have joy and peace, if indeed my life is nothing but pain, still I will choose to actively seek out God's heart to know Him and love Him.
I've learned that when I'm most down, most hurt, and most empty is often when I am the most transformed. I freely welcome the pain of healing. I invite the burn of the consuming fire removing the impurities, not just in action, but in attitude.
I've worked under the preconception that, because Christ essentially changed everything in His coming, the Old Testament can essentially be picked through like a yard sale or an old storage unit. "This is beautiful and has a low price: I'll take it; this isn't worth it, it's kinda pricey and weird. Let's throw it out." I've seen people throw out the fear of the Lord. "It can't really mean fear, of course. That's respect for God." or "The wrath of God is over now that Jesus came. God is a God of love now." Certainly no one likes a fire-and-brimstone preacher these days. Too judgemental.
How can we ever have wisdom without the fear of the Lord? I think we may accidentally have thrown that one out, too. "Woe is me!" Isaiah cries before the throne of God. "My speech and that of everyone around me is so unclean; How can I stand before you?" Only through a painful, burning coal touched to his lips is he cleansed. Then he immediately signs up for the first job God offers. He loves and obeys.
I fear God because of the pain I experienced this summer. Because of the intense spiritual darkness of being on a Native American reservation, I was stripped of most spiritual blessings I'm used to. I fought in prayer and worship and received only faint glimmers of His abounding joy. Of course I had fun at times and I loved the people I was with. But it was truly painful. I love Him more for allowing me to go through that trial and appreciate more the joy and love I get to see. And I'm more stable, secure, wise.
A passage I found in Ezekiel recently wrecked me. In a vision He gave to Ezekiel, the Lord had a man put a mark on the forehead of each person in the city of Jerusalem that was crying out to Him, anguished over the sin that permeated the city. He had six other men with deadly weapons go out to kill the rest, those without the mark. The only ones of His people that were truly worth anything to Him were those that knew His heart well enough to feel His pain. Do you? For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. (Matthew 7:14) The path is terrifyingly narrow. It's the relationship, not the religion that will save you. There's no way that the 70 some percent of Americans who say Jesus Christ is Lord are on the narrow path to life.
I watched a video of Bill Wiese speaking on his vision of hell. People question his theology, try to poke all kinds of holes in his story, whatever. It was powerful and he pointed everything to scripture. I'd never really considered hell before. I've never had more desire to pray for my friends and family, after that. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I live my live more in the light of eternity than I ever have because I fear Him.
Thankfully, as I learned from a friend's sermon out of the book of James, God freely gives wisdom to those who ask for it, like it's His job. I asked and received, though it was painful. Praise the Lord for the ability to know the joys and the pain of His heart.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The power of music
There's something distinctly spiritual about music. It has a unique power to lead revolutions and calm troubled hearts. The power of the tongue to build up or tear down, bless or curse, coupled with instrumentalist's power to excite or soothe.
I've seen the picture painted of two warring camps of worshipers: the house of the Lord lifting up our God and king and tearing down principalities and powers, and the enemy's camp tearing Him down, lifting high confusion, lust, and selfishness. There's still middle ground, it looks like at least, but it's fading fast.
The enemy camp:
There's bands and artists out there that have taken their side with the enemy, whether they wanted to or realized it or not. For example, Eminem's song, My Darling, is one of the creepiest things I've heard. It's basically him having a conversation with the demon that owns him. Marshall makes it clear he doesn't want it, but it's got him held fast. Disturbed is pretty open in their fondness for demons (for those who say they're a Christian band, look at any of their lyrics or album covers.) Katy Perry (a former Christian who I saw in an old P.O.D. music video last night; that's why I'm looking into all this) declared in an interview that she sold her soul to the devil. Her Christian parents, who were never able to explain the "why's" of Christianity to her, are proud of her success and glad she's not on drugs. Lady Gaga's song, Judas, leaves no question as to where her loyalties lie.
The Lord's camp:
Worship bands aren't too hard to recognize. They lift high the name of Jesus directly in their lyrics and (hopefully) creative instrumentals. Some of the most powerful examples, the ones that know they're in a war and the kind of weapons they hold, are Ascend the Hill, a band on the Come&Live record label, that gives all their music away for free as "musicianaries." Flyleaf is a beautiful example, boldly filling their sets at secular shows with powerful worship and testimony. Hardcore band For Today screams powerful lyrics straight from scripture with authority. Leeland gave a powerful concert here on the U of M recently. Then there's the bands every modern church member knows and worships with: Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Jesus Culture.
The middle ground:
Some bands are out there completely oblivious to the war and are finding themselves on the wrong end of the gun because of it. Paramore began as a band that made sure everyone knew they were Christians, but after the recording of their last album, two band members left because Haley was turning increasingly away from God. In one of her songs, she wrote, "the truth never set me free, so I'll do it myself." Linkin Park makes it clear they're searching for some sort of truth, something that will heal them and make their lives meaningful, but have clearly been hurt by Christians. There was so much hope and life in Alter Bridge's first two albums, but their third took a seriously dark turn, no doubt from the sketchy company they've been touring with. Billy Ray Cyrus is distraught over apparently losing his daughter Miley to the enemy in the drugs and all the worldly pleasures she's given herself to.
And how many "Christian" bands do nothing to lift up God's name? People took note of Jesus because He taught with authority. Sing and play with authority! Don't skate around Jesus' name. That's where the power is.
It's time to wake up and realize the war we're in and how much it permeates everything we do. Look up these references and see for yourself. Don't blindly (deafly?) listen to just any sort music, because it is so powerful in the spiritual realm. It has the power to lift up or tear down principalities and powers, demons, in an area. Consecrate your mind and your heart and pay attention.
PRAY for these musicians. I'm not OK with the enemy holding onto Eminem when it's so clear he wants out. I'm OK with Katy Perry being stolen right out from under our noses. I'm not OK with these men and women with such powerful gifts being stolen away from worshiping the One True God and being bound up in sin.
I've seen the picture painted of two warring camps of worshipers: the house of the Lord lifting up our God and king and tearing down principalities and powers, and the enemy's camp tearing Him down, lifting high confusion, lust, and selfishness. There's still middle ground, it looks like at least, but it's fading fast.
The enemy camp:
There's bands and artists out there that have taken their side with the enemy, whether they wanted to or realized it or not. For example, Eminem's song, My Darling, is one of the creepiest things I've heard. It's basically him having a conversation with the demon that owns him. Marshall makes it clear he doesn't want it, but it's got him held fast. Disturbed is pretty open in their fondness for demons (for those who say they're a Christian band, look at any of their lyrics or album covers.) Katy Perry (a former Christian who I saw in an old P.O.D. music video last night; that's why I'm looking into all this) declared in an interview that she sold her soul to the devil. Her Christian parents, who were never able to explain the "why's" of Christianity to her, are proud of her success and glad she's not on drugs. Lady Gaga's song, Judas, leaves no question as to where her loyalties lie.
The Lord's camp:
Worship bands aren't too hard to recognize. They lift high the name of Jesus directly in their lyrics and (hopefully) creative instrumentals. Some of the most powerful examples, the ones that know they're in a war and the kind of weapons they hold, are Ascend the Hill, a band on the Come&Live record label, that gives all their music away for free as "musicianaries." Flyleaf is a beautiful example, boldly filling their sets at secular shows with powerful worship and testimony. Hardcore band For Today screams powerful lyrics straight from scripture with authority. Leeland gave a powerful concert here on the U of M recently. Then there's the bands every modern church member knows and worships with: Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Jesus Culture.
The middle ground:
Some bands are out there completely oblivious to the war and are finding themselves on the wrong end of the gun because of it. Paramore began as a band that made sure everyone knew they were Christians, but after the recording of their last album, two band members left because Haley was turning increasingly away from God. In one of her songs, she wrote, "the truth never set me free, so I'll do it myself." Linkin Park makes it clear they're searching for some sort of truth, something that will heal them and make their lives meaningful, but have clearly been hurt by Christians. There was so much hope and life in Alter Bridge's first two albums, but their third took a seriously dark turn, no doubt from the sketchy company they've been touring with. Billy Ray Cyrus is distraught over apparently losing his daughter Miley to the enemy in the drugs and all the worldly pleasures she's given herself to.
And how many "Christian" bands do nothing to lift up God's name? People took note of Jesus because He taught with authority. Sing and play with authority! Don't skate around Jesus' name. That's where the power is.
It's time to wake up and realize the war we're in and how much it permeates everything we do. Look up these references and see for yourself. Don't blindly (deafly?) listen to just any sort music, because it is so powerful in the spiritual realm. It has the power to lift up or tear down principalities and powers, demons, in an area. Consecrate your mind and your heart and pay attention.
PRAY for these musicians. I'm not OK with the enemy holding onto Eminem when it's so clear he wants out. I'm OK with Katy Perry being stolen right out from under our noses. I'm not OK with these men and women with such powerful gifts being stolen away from worshiping the One True God and being bound up in sin.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Everything
So, my last blog post was a bit hasty and emotional. And a long time ago. I'm not always very clear at communicating what I want to say and I've learned a lot more since then, so here's some clarity.
I want everything I do, every decision I make to bring glory to God. I want to bless God and other people or be building myself up so that I can bless others more effectively. I want to be able to say at any time that what I am doing is for God's glory.
This is why I have chosen to stop taking in entertainment. I don't play video games, watch television, read books, spend time online, or listen to music unless it is in some way building me up or truly blessing someone else.
I really can't help but see the television as a shrine to an idol. It's placed in the most prominent place in the house, at the center of everything, so we can gather around and let it wash our mind of the cares of the day.
God deserves everything we have. Every moment of our time and our attention. If I go and pray all day and then do something for my own self, is it not still sin? If I worship at God's feet all day and then bow towards Mecca and recite an Islamic prayer, is it not still idolatry? Then why do we spend our time in prayer in the morning (assuming we do that much) and then spend all evening in front of the television? God's way better at giving rest and comfort anyway.
Some wouldn't do it on their own, but for the sake of being with friends and "fellowshipping." Is it truly fellowship if you're so drawn into a game where you're killing the other person repeatedly that you never learn one thing about their lives? Is it truly fellowship if their having a horrible week and you never found out because both of you were too busy going spiritually and emotionally numb in front of the television? I will go places where everyone is focused on the television screen, but I know if I put my focus there, I'll go numb and lose the sense of God's presence. I'll be spent most of the Superbowl silently praying for the people in the room. We can do so much better with conversation, group prayer, or at least a simple card game where you can still get to know the other people better and grow closer to them.
I wonder how many Christians spend more time in prayer than being entertained.
These are things I firmly believe and since implementing them, God's given me many other ways to spend my time more fruitfully. I've been learning other languages online, praying and reading my Bible a ton, having awesome conversations with people, going for long walks and praying or thinking, practicing instruments, etc. I intend to take full advantage of the time God's given me now to let Him prepare me for ministry in the future.
Please pray over this and ask me if you have any questions. God's coming back soon. Purify your heart and your life and spend the extra time letting God develop and mature you for His work. God bless you!
I want everything I do, every decision I make to bring glory to God. I want to bless God and other people or be building myself up so that I can bless others more effectively. I want to be able to say at any time that what I am doing is for God's glory.
This is why I have chosen to stop taking in entertainment. I don't play video games, watch television, read books, spend time online, or listen to music unless it is in some way building me up or truly blessing someone else.
I really can't help but see the television as a shrine to an idol. It's placed in the most prominent place in the house, at the center of everything, so we can gather around and let it wash our mind of the cares of the day.
God deserves everything we have. Every moment of our time and our attention. If I go and pray all day and then do something for my own self, is it not still sin? If I worship at God's feet all day and then bow towards Mecca and recite an Islamic prayer, is it not still idolatry? Then why do we spend our time in prayer in the morning (assuming we do that much) and then spend all evening in front of the television? God's way better at giving rest and comfort anyway.
Some wouldn't do it on their own, but for the sake of being with friends and "fellowshipping." Is it truly fellowship if you're so drawn into a game where you're killing the other person repeatedly that you never learn one thing about their lives? Is it truly fellowship if their having a horrible week and you never found out because both of you were too busy going spiritually and emotionally numb in front of the television? I will go places where everyone is focused on the television screen, but I know if I put my focus there, I'll go numb and lose the sense of God's presence. I'll be spent most of the Superbowl silently praying for the people in the room. We can do so much better with conversation, group prayer, or at least a simple card game where you can still get to know the other people better and grow closer to them.
I wonder how many Christians spend more time in prayer than being entertained.
These are things I firmly believe and since implementing them, God's given me many other ways to spend my time more fruitfully. I've been learning other languages online, praying and reading my Bible a ton, having awesome conversations with people, going for long walks and praying or thinking, practicing instruments, etc. I intend to take full advantage of the time God's given me now to let Him prepare me for ministry in the future.
Please pray over this and ask me if you have any questions. God's coming back soon. Purify your heart and your life and spend the extra time letting God develop and mature you for His work. God bless you!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Lion
I just spent two hours with some good Christian brothers watching Saturday Night Live and came away from it feeling sick. Everyone, including myself, laughed at some point. There was some entertainment value, but it just wasn't nearly worth the cost. I want to think, feel, and act like Christ. If I'm allowing that into my mind, it doesn't matter if I agree with it or not. It becomes part of my worldview, how I see things. I see people swearing, insulting, and offering their genitals to others in boxes and label it as humor instead of sinful.
I'm seriously fired up about this. God's been giving me a heart for purity and an aggression toward anything that threatens it. He's been calling me a lion lately, and I'm feeling what that means tonight. If we want to be the church and bride of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be pure! That means sacrificing things that don't bring us closer to Him. Everything we do must bring us closer to Him! Do we not say we're living, or at least wanting to live, wholly surrendered to Him? Then why would we watch what He wouldn't, play what He wouldn't, accept what He wouldn't? C'mon!
My heart hurts over this! I'm tired of being silent and I certainly should have said more tonight, and even more so on previous occasions. We don't realize how much faster we'll be transformed into Christ's likeness if we stop gazing on the television and seek the heart of God. We're lied to by the enemy that we would be bored if we sat with God for as long as we could watch TV. This isn't true. He may not always satisfy immediately, but He will move whether or not you feel it. Go to Him expectantly, without agenda, and see if He doesn't reward you. Those who seek WILL find. If not immediately, look again. He wants to be the only one that satisfies you and will equip you for it! He will change your heart if you let Him.
We won't have revival without repentance. Christ won't come without a pure bride. If you're hungry to see the church alive, then let God be who He is! No more 10 minute morning and evening prayers. Sit with Him, in His Word, in worship, or in prayer for an hour or more. Let Him satisfy you in ways the world never could. I dare you. I say this because I've tasted and seen! The Lord is that good. Please let this sink in and pray over it.
I'm seriously fired up about this. God's been giving me a heart for purity and an aggression toward anything that threatens it. He's been calling me a lion lately, and I'm feeling what that means tonight. If we want to be the church and bride of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be pure! That means sacrificing things that don't bring us closer to Him. Everything we do must bring us closer to Him! Do we not say we're living, or at least wanting to live, wholly surrendered to Him? Then why would we watch what He wouldn't, play what He wouldn't, accept what He wouldn't? C'mon!
My heart hurts over this! I'm tired of being silent and I certainly should have said more tonight, and even more so on previous occasions. We don't realize how much faster we'll be transformed into Christ's likeness if we stop gazing on the television and seek the heart of God. We're lied to by the enemy that we would be bored if we sat with God for as long as we could watch TV. This isn't true. He may not always satisfy immediately, but He will move whether or not you feel it. Go to Him expectantly, without agenda, and see if He doesn't reward you. Those who seek WILL find. If not immediately, look again. He wants to be the only one that satisfies you and will equip you for it! He will change your heart if you let Him.
We won't have revival without repentance. Christ won't come without a pure bride. If you're hungry to see the church alive, then let God be who He is! No more 10 minute morning and evening prayers. Sit with Him, in His Word, in worship, or in prayer for an hour or more. Let Him satisfy you in ways the world never could. I dare you. I say this because I've tasted and seen! The Lord is that good. Please let this sink in and pray over it.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Re(s/v)olution
I can't leave my previous blog unresolved, so here's the thrilling conclusion?
I'm no longer depressed and in pain. I'm joyful.
There it is.
I suppose you want the story to go with it. If you give a mouse a cookie, right? haha
So last week at small group, The Gary Clark and I talked and prayed, and though I couldn't say precisely what I wanted, I knew I needed a move of God's love, to know Him deeper as a person. A day or two later, I was laying down seeking God and I pictured myself standing in my heart (like Magic School Bus-type thing) and seeing a big gelatinous blob chilling there. That was my depression. It had developed nearly 8 years ago and has apparently just been chilling there ever since. I knew (instinctively, I guess) that it would take joy from God to resolve it. I pondered this a bit and very soon I was right back in my heart with a guest: Jesus. He laid His hand on the blob and right away it quickly shrank to nothing. He left some sort of golden orb there as a reminder as well, an altar of remembrance I suppose. I'm not completely sure of the significance of that yet. But I felt this in my heart immediately. I was filled with joy and I have been ever since. My emotions have certainly waxed and waned, but there's always a joyful heart waiting underneath now. Praise the Lord!
Bonus story:
A few weeks ago my friend Katelyn badly burned one of her feet and I told her I would cover her in prayer (which I did.) A week or so later, at about 3 am, I woke up with my left foot painfully itching. I turned on the light and checked it over and nothing looked wrong at all. I was reminded of Katelyn's situation and and prayed for her and slowly my pain/itch faded. I asked her via Facebook, "Was it your left foot?," and it was. She had gone to the ER that night because it had become infected. I've heard of this kind of stuff before, but it's so much cooler to have God do it in you.
Oh, and the revolution part? Well, I just feel inspired to make music lately. I know and I see that God is raising up musicians to lead a movement. Whole-hearted worshippers like Flyleaf, norm-challengers like Switchfoot, and those who long for His return like Anberlin. All these have been around a while, but they're all more mainstream than ever and it's becoming seemingly more acceptable to look at God in the music scene, even for secular artists (30 Seconds to Mars?.) I saw a quote last night on Switchfoot's The Sound music video:
I'm no longer depressed and in pain. I'm joyful.
There it is.
I suppose you want the story to go with it. If you give a mouse a cookie, right? haha
So last week at small group, The Gary Clark and I talked and prayed, and though I couldn't say precisely what I wanted, I knew I needed a move of God's love, to know Him deeper as a person. A day or two later, I was laying down seeking God and I pictured myself standing in my heart (like Magic School Bus-type thing) and seeing a big gelatinous blob chilling there. That was my depression. It had developed nearly 8 years ago and has apparently just been chilling there ever since. I knew (instinctively, I guess) that it would take joy from God to resolve it. I pondered this a bit and very soon I was right back in my heart with a guest: Jesus. He laid His hand on the blob and right away it quickly shrank to nothing. He left some sort of golden orb there as a reminder as well, an altar of remembrance I suppose. I'm not completely sure of the significance of that yet. But I felt this in my heart immediately. I was filled with joy and I have been ever since. My emotions have certainly waxed and waned, but there's always a joyful heart waiting underneath now. Praise the Lord!
Bonus story:
A few weeks ago my friend Katelyn badly burned one of her feet and I told her I would cover her in prayer (which I did.) A week or so later, at about 3 am, I woke up with my left foot painfully itching. I turned on the light and checked it over and nothing looked wrong at all. I was reminded of Katelyn's situation and and prayed for her and slowly my pain/itch faded. I asked her via Facebook, "Was it your left foot?," and it was. She had gone to the ER that night because it had become infected. I've heard of this kind of stuff before, but it's so much cooler to have God do it in you.
Oh, and the revolution part? Well, I just feel inspired to make music lately. I know and I see that God is raising up musicians to lead a movement. Whole-hearted worshippers like Flyleaf, norm-challengers like Switchfoot, and those who long for His return like Anberlin. All these have been around a while, but they're all more mainstream than ever and it's becoming seemingly more acceptable to look at God in the music scene, even for secular artists (30 Seconds to Mars?.) I saw a quote last night on Switchfoot's The Sound music video:
Any movement to start that's gonna move anywhere is gotta get music to drive it... We gotta get music to drive what we are doing. ~John M. Perkins
...And I want to be that music.Thursday, June 24, 2010
Summertime Blues
So, it's been a while.
Recap:
The rest of my semester at school was amazing. That prayer group grew, meeting in the auditorium every day at four, learning to pray under God's leading. In the last days, though, things started clouding up fast for me spiritually. I could no longer distinguish God from other spirits and occasionally followed the wrong one. I cried often (which is really unusual for me) because I wasn't getting my rest in God and nothing else satisfied. Nothing was going as I had planned: my car was a money pit, I couldn't find a job, random other monetary demands came at me.
Although I still don't have a job and I'm completely on monetary life-support from my parents, I finally feel spiritually... ok. I've learned to find God's voice (for the first time) in the Bible, where I'm supposed to find it. It grounds my prayer, gives me a base for actually hearing God again in a real, new way. While I'm still very uncomfortable, I can feel Him again. I can trust Him. I have a local spiritual community and a little hope. I still don't feel good...
Ok, so I'm really bad at writing about emotion, because I have zero experience in it. Emotions are hard and inconvinient and I don't know what to do with them. I'm tempted to go to surface talk, it's not nearly as easy to be self-controlled. I thought I was really good at self-control. I thought I was really good in general for a long time. But...
Preface: I had a conversation with Gloria in her dorm one evening and she made a comment to the effect of, "I am not a jelly donut, I am whole grain bread."
"...?"
"I'm rough around the edges, tough to get through, but really good for you."
Crystal walks in: "I'm like broccolli:" Something about green and cheesy
Meanwhile I have no idea what kind of... spiritual food I would be.
The next day, Gloria, Katrina, Sadie and I went to a bible study at NorthWestern where Gloria was to speak. The night ended with prophesy, which, for me, is very not normal. We gathered in a circle and one at a time someone was prayed for in the middle, someone(s) else would get some sort of prophetic image/vision and others would get interpretation. When I was in the middle, Sadie got an image of scrambled eggs.
That's what spiritual food I am.
I'm really a mess.
And at a later prayer meeting, Sadie said I'm still scrambled eggs, but now there's some cayanne pepper or something in there making me cry.
So there it is: uncomfortable, emotional, messy. And though I really, really wanted to say everything's wrapping up nicely, that's not how life works, despite my previous obliviousness (oblivion?).
And I was feeling good before I started writing. Gosh. Heart digging is a bit more painful with emotion (substance) there.
Recap:
The rest of my semester at school was amazing. That prayer group grew, meeting in the auditorium every day at four, learning to pray under God's leading. In the last days, though, things started clouding up fast for me spiritually. I could no longer distinguish God from other spirits and occasionally followed the wrong one. I cried often (which is really unusual for me) because I wasn't getting my rest in God and nothing else satisfied. Nothing was going as I had planned: my car was a money pit, I couldn't find a job, random other monetary demands came at me.
Although I still don't have a job and I'm completely on monetary life-support from my parents, I finally feel spiritually... ok. I've learned to find God's voice (for the first time) in the Bible, where I'm supposed to find it. It grounds my prayer, gives me a base for actually hearing God again in a real, new way. While I'm still very uncomfortable, I can feel Him again. I can trust Him. I have a local spiritual community and a little hope. I still don't feel good...
Ok, so I'm really bad at writing about emotion, because I have zero experience in it. Emotions are hard and inconvinient and I don't know what to do with them. I'm tempted to go to surface talk, it's not nearly as easy to be self-controlled. I thought I was really good at self-control. I thought I was really good in general for a long time. But...
Preface: I had a conversation with Gloria in her dorm one evening and she made a comment to the effect of, "I am not a jelly donut, I am whole grain bread."
"...?"
"I'm rough around the edges, tough to get through, but really good for you."
Crystal walks in: "I'm like broccolli:" Something about green and cheesy
Meanwhile I have no idea what kind of... spiritual food I would be.
The next day, Gloria, Katrina, Sadie and I went to a bible study at NorthWestern where Gloria was to speak. The night ended with prophesy, which, for me, is very not normal. We gathered in a circle and one at a time someone was prayed for in the middle, someone(s) else would get some sort of prophetic image/vision and others would get interpretation. When I was in the middle, Sadie got an image of scrambled eggs.
That's what spiritual food I am.
I'm really a mess.
And at a later prayer meeting, Sadie said I'm still scrambled eggs, but now there's some cayanne pepper or something in there making me cry.
So there it is: uncomfortable, emotional, messy. And though I really, really wanted to say everything's wrapping up nicely, that's not how life works, despite my previous obliviousness (oblivion?).
And I was feeling good before I started writing. Gosh. Heart digging is a bit more painful with emotion (substance) there.
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