Offensive

I'm living at North Central University in the dorms and I have a lot to learn. Living with people that go to bed later than I do is new. All my little survival mechanisms are being deactivated as I run into situations where they just don't work anymore. I wanted to cling to the slow paced life I'm used to, with plenty of time to think and sort through what's going on, but I can't slow the demands on my time and money. I'm not used to dealing with people all day everyday. I would deal with people a few hours, then go home and reset myself. It's a lot of change at once.
I've found a deeply rooted dislike for true intimacy in my heart. I don't fully understand it yet, but here are the highlights. There are a few people here that are so in love with Jesus that they are in constant awe, amazed at who He is. I love that on Sunday night, but it makes me rather uncomfortable in a science class in the middle of the day. It offends me. I'm looking for information, not emotion. I've spent many years in school numb and silent, and it's really unusual to be having conversations with a near stranger about the love of God before class. I can't sit in awe of God when I just want to find out how metabolism works so I can pass the next exam. But I want that passion so badly. I want to stop caring what other people think and be able sit and close my eyes to receive love from God if I need to.
I stumbled upon a prayer meeting on my dorm floor that meets everyday in the afternoon. It's the same thing. I can say a nice prayer about how I want revival to come here, but it God starts moving His Spirit in my body and leading me to cry out, it doesn't compute. I want God to reign in me; I want to be an open vessel but part of me still wants others' opinions of me to remain favorable. It's contradictory. I've said it a thousand times, but now my actions have to line up.