The Wall

I'm unsatisfied. Yes, God's been doing tons in my life and moving in ways I'd never imagined, I'm making money and I've been accepted to the college God's chosen for me. I'm spending more time with God that I ever have. But He's called me to so much more than I've dreamed of. He wants me to stand out. He wants me to do great things. But.
I went to North Central's praise gathering a couple weeks ago and sang my heart out. Halfway through, a girl laid out an altar call for sexual sin. God's freed me so much in this area of my life and I asked Him if there was anyone He wanted me to pray for. Like, all-out, lay hands on and pray, which I had never done for a stranger. This is something I feel called to. He highlighted a girl who had walked down toward the front. I had been expecting a male, as I am a male, and I was frozen in place. I prayed for her, but I didn't go up, I didn't move, I didn't lay hands on her. The rest of the time was spent in torment for not doing what God wanted me to. He's designated me as a watchman over the hearts of people around me, especially women, and called me to show them freedom, love and healing when they are hurting. But He's calling me to a whole new level, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of talking to strangers, afraid of what people will think, afraid of having no words, no comfort for them, hurting them worse, looking stupid, being insufficient. My fear paralyzes me. As I read Wild Goose Chase, every word screams, "Do something!" but my fear stares back at me.
I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart as God sets me free of things. Usually, when He illuminates something broken in me, I submit it and it gets burned away. This wall I see clearly now, and it's not just going away. Too much of my spirit agrees with the fear. How do I move when I'm paralyzed? How do I act on God's strength when fear blinds me?
I just took a walk through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is sketchy. Everyone gives me funny looks, and there's shoes tied together and draped over the power lines. Needless to say I don't take walks often. But there's such a sense of spiritual adventure in me that's growing and requiring an answer. It requires me to get up and do things I don't want to do. It was a nice little walk, and I wasn't robbed even once. I saw things in a different way on foot then in the safety of my car. My perspective changed. I need more of that.