God has convicted me of condemnation.
I have used this blog to hurt my friends while intending to help them. I don't want people to feel guilty, I want people to seek God more.
I refuse to continue doing things this way, but rather seeking the best way to display God's love, in the hope that kindness will lead to repentance.
I love you all.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wisdom from South Dakota
Proverbs 9:10
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.
and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.
I've spent the last two weeks since my return from Pine Ridge, South Dakota decompressing. I definitely feel more solid, stable perhaps, than I was when I arrived on the Rez, but why? What does that mean? I think God gave me the answer in this verse.
While meeting people and spending time with new friends, I've been more... part frustrated, part hurt, by people's attitudes than ever. Not toward me; everyone's friendly enough. But toward their lives and toward God. Instead of earnestly seeking to do what pleases God, we justify our actions and take pride in our ability to call what is evil good. We focus on not committing sins and fail to see God's heart. Example:
I'm riding in a van with some new friends. The driver is playing California Girls by Katy Perry. He's singing along enjoying himself until Snoop Dogg comes on and utters a profane word. "Ohh!" he responds. He went too far. The entire song is based in lust. As my home pastor would say, it's a worship song to the idol Asherah. The entire song is unclean speech, but that one word is just too unclean to handle.
I've learned a lot from the prophet Jeremiah this summer. It's hard to tell if He even likes God, let alone loves Him, except for the fact that he obeys Him. That's how God tells us to express our love: "If you love me, you will obey what I command." (John 14:15)
He would complain, sure, but he would still go out and prophesy in the streets, even while knowing that people (especially religious and political leaders) want him dead for speaking the truth. They don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear it. They had become just like the idols that they unknowingly worshiped.
Aγαπη (agape), the type of love God calls us to is not "I love you because you do good things for me or make me feel good." It's "I love you because I choose to." So I learned that it doesn't matter how I feel. Certainly some spiritual discernment is in feelings, but I had to lay myself down. I had never counted the cost, really. I have decided that whether or not I ever feel God's presence again, whether or not I have joy and peace, if indeed my life is nothing but pain, still I will choose to actively seek out God's heart to know Him and love Him.
I've learned that when I'm most down, most hurt, and most empty is often when I am the most transformed. I freely welcome the pain of healing. I invite the burn of the consuming fire removing the impurities, not just in action, but in attitude.
I've worked under the preconception that, because Christ essentially changed everything in His coming, the Old Testament can essentially be picked through like a yard sale or an old storage unit. "This is beautiful and has a low price: I'll take it; this isn't worth it, it's kinda pricey and weird. Let's throw it out." I've seen people throw out the fear of the Lord. "It can't really mean fear, of course. That's respect for God." or "The wrath of God is over now that Jesus came. God is a God of love now." Certainly no one likes a fire-and-brimstone preacher these days. Too judgemental.
How can we ever have wisdom without the fear of the Lord? I think we may accidentally have thrown that one out, too. "Woe is me!" Isaiah cries before the throne of God. "My speech and that of everyone around me is so unclean; How can I stand before you?" Only through a painful, burning coal touched to his lips is he cleansed. Then he immediately signs up for the first job God offers. He loves and obeys.
I fear God because of the pain I experienced this summer. Because of the intense spiritual darkness of being on a Native American reservation, I was stripped of most spiritual blessings I'm used to. I fought in prayer and worship and received only faint glimmers of His abounding joy. Of course I had fun at times and I loved the people I was with. But it was truly painful. I love Him more for allowing me to go through that trial and appreciate more the joy and love I get to see. And I'm more stable, secure, wise.
A passage I found in Ezekiel recently wrecked me. In a vision He gave to Ezekiel, the Lord had a man put a mark on the forehead of each person in the city of Jerusalem that was crying out to Him, anguished over the sin that permeated the city. He had six other men with deadly weapons go out to kill the rest, those without the mark. The only ones of His people that were truly worth anything to Him were those that knew His heart well enough to feel His pain. Do you? For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. (Matthew 7:14) The path is terrifyingly narrow. It's the relationship, not the religion that will save you. There's no way that the 70 some percent of Americans who say Jesus Christ is Lord are on the narrow path to life.
I watched a video of Bill Wiese speaking on his vision of hell. People question his theology, try to poke all kinds of holes in his story, whatever. It was powerful and he pointed everything to scripture. I'd never really considered hell before. I've never had more desire to pray for my friends and family, after that. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I live my live more in the light of eternity than I ever have because I fear Him.
Thankfully, as I learned from a friend's sermon out of the book of James, God freely gives wisdom to those who ask for it, like it's His job. I asked and received, though it was painful. Praise the Lord for the ability to know the joys and the pain of His heart.
While meeting people and spending time with new friends, I've been more... part frustrated, part hurt, by people's attitudes than ever. Not toward me; everyone's friendly enough. But toward their lives and toward God. Instead of earnestly seeking to do what pleases God, we justify our actions and take pride in our ability to call what is evil good. We focus on not committing sins and fail to see God's heart. Example:
I'm riding in a van with some new friends. The driver is playing California Girls by Katy Perry. He's singing along enjoying himself until Snoop Dogg comes on and utters a profane word. "Ohh!" he responds. He went too far. The entire song is based in lust. As my home pastor would say, it's a worship song to the idol Asherah. The entire song is unclean speech, but that one word is just too unclean to handle.
I've learned a lot from the prophet Jeremiah this summer. It's hard to tell if He even likes God, let alone loves Him, except for the fact that he obeys Him. That's how God tells us to express our love: "If you love me, you will obey what I command." (John 14:15)
He would complain, sure, but he would still go out and prophesy in the streets, even while knowing that people (especially religious and political leaders) want him dead for speaking the truth. They don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear it. They had become just like the idols that they unknowingly worshiped.
Aγαπη (agape), the type of love God calls us to is not "I love you because you do good things for me or make me feel good." It's "I love you because I choose to." So I learned that it doesn't matter how I feel. Certainly some spiritual discernment is in feelings, but I had to lay myself down. I had never counted the cost, really. I have decided that whether or not I ever feel God's presence again, whether or not I have joy and peace, if indeed my life is nothing but pain, still I will choose to actively seek out God's heart to know Him and love Him.
I've learned that when I'm most down, most hurt, and most empty is often when I am the most transformed. I freely welcome the pain of healing. I invite the burn of the consuming fire removing the impurities, not just in action, but in attitude.
I've worked under the preconception that, because Christ essentially changed everything in His coming, the Old Testament can essentially be picked through like a yard sale or an old storage unit. "This is beautiful and has a low price: I'll take it; this isn't worth it, it's kinda pricey and weird. Let's throw it out." I've seen people throw out the fear of the Lord. "It can't really mean fear, of course. That's respect for God." or "The wrath of God is over now that Jesus came. God is a God of love now." Certainly no one likes a fire-and-brimstone preacher these days. Too judgemental.
How can we ever have wisdom without the fear of the Lord? I think we may accidentally have thrown that one out, too. "Woe is me!" Isaiah cries before the throne of God. "My speech and that of everyone around me is so unclean; How can I stand before you?" Only through a painful, burning coal touched to his lips is he cleansed. Then he immediately signs up for the first job God offers. He loves and obeys.
I fear God because of the pain I experienced this summer. Because of the intense spiritual darkness of being on a Native American reservation, I was stripped of most spiritual blessings I'm used to. I fought in prayer and worship and received only faint glimmers of His abounding joy. Of course I had fun at times and I loved the people I was with. But it was truly painful. I love Him more for allowing me to go through that trial and appreciate more the joy and love I get to see. And I'm more stable, secure, wise.
A passage I found in Ezekiel recently wrecked me. In a vision He gave to Ezekiel, the Lord had a man put a mark on the forehead of each person in the city of Jerusalem that was crying out to Him, anguished over the sin that permeated the city. He had six other men with deadly weapons go out to kill the rest, those without the mark. The only ones of His people that were truly worth anything to Him were those that knew His heart well enough to feel His pain. Do you? For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. (Matthew 7:14) The path is terrifyingly narrow. It's the relationship, not the religion that will save you. There's no way that the 70 some percent of Americans who say Jesus Christ is Lord are on the narrow path to life.
I watched a video of Bill Wiese speaking on his vision of hell. People question his theology, try to poke all kinds of holes in his story, whatever. It was powerful and he pointed everything to scripture. I'd never really considered hell before. I've never had more desire to pray for my friends and family, after that. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I live my live more in the light of eternity than I ever have because I fear Him.
Thankfully, as I learned from a friend's sermon out of the book of James, God freely gives wisdom to those who ask for it, like it's His job. I asked and received, though it was painful. Praise the Lord for the ability to know the joys and the pain of His heart.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The power of music
There's something distinctly spiritual about music. It has a unique power to lead revolutions and calm troubled hearts. The power of the tongue to build up or tear down, bless or curse, coupled with instrumentalist's power to excite or soothe.
I've seen the picture painted of two warring camps of worshipers: the house of the Lord lifting up our God and king and tearing down principalities and powers, and the enemy's camp tearing Him down, lifting high confusion, lust, and selfishness. There's still middle ground, it looks like at least, but it's fading fast.
The enemy camp:
There's bands and artists out there that have taken their side with the enemy, whether they wanted to or realized it or not. For example, Eminem's song, My Darling, is one of the creepiest things I've heard. It's basically him having a conversation with the demon that owns him. Marshall makes it clear he doesn't want it, but it's got him held fast. Disturbed is pretty open in their fondness for demons (for those who say they're a Christian band, look at any of their lyrics or album covers.) Katy Perry (a former Christian who I saw in an old P.O.D. music video last night; that's why I'm looking into all this) declared in an interview that she sold her soul to the devil. Her Christian parents, who were never able to explain the "why's" of Christianity to her, are proud of her success and glad she's not on drugs. Lady Gaga's song, Judas, leaves no question as to where her loyalties lie.
The Lord's camp:
Worship bands aren't too hard to recognize. They lift high the name of Jesus directly in their lyrics and (hopefully) creative instrumentals. Some of the most powerful examples, the ones that know they're in a war and the kind of weapons they hold, are Ascend the Hill, a band on the Come&Live record label, that gives all their music away for free as "musicianaries." Flyleaf is a beautiful example, boldly filling their sets at secular shows with powerful worship and testimony. Hardcore band For Today screams powerful lyrics straight from scripture with authority. Leeland gave a powerful concert here on the U of M recently. Then there's the bands every modern church member knows and worships with: Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Jesus Culture.
The middle ground:
Some bands are out there completely oblivious to the war and are finding themselves on the wrong end of the gun because of it. Paramore began as a band that made sure everyone knew they were Christians, but after the recording of their last album, two band members left because Haley was turning increasingly away from God. In one of her songs, she wrote, "the truth never set me free, so I'll do it myself." Linkin Park makes it clear they're searching for some sort of truth, something that will heal them and make their lives meaningful, but have clearly been hurt by Christians. There was so much hope and life in Alter Bridge's first two albums, but their third took a seriously dark turn, no doubt from the sketchy company they've been touring with. Billy Ray Cyrus is distraught over apparently losing his daughter Miley to the enemy in the drugs and all the worldly pleasures she's given herself to.
And how many "Christian" bands do nothing to lift up God's name? People took note of Jesus because He taught with authority. Sing and play with authority! Don't skate around Jesus' name. That's where the power is.
It's time to wake up and realize the war we're in and how much it permeates everything we do. Look up these references and see for yourself. Don't blindly (deafly?) listen to just any sort music, because it is so powerful in the spiritual realm. It has the power to lift up or tear down principalities and powers, demons, in an area. Consecrate your mind and your heart and pay attention.
PRAY for these musicians. I'm not OK with the enemy holding onto Eminem when it's so clear he wants out. I'm OK with Katy Perry being stolen right out from under our noses. I'm not OK with these men and women with such powerful gifts being stolen away from worshiping the One True God and being bound up in sin.
I've seen the picture painted of two warring camps of worshipers: the house of the Lord lifting up our God and king and tearing down principalities and powers, and the enemy's camp tearing Him down, lifting high confusion, lust, and selfishness. There's still middle ground, it looks like at least, but it's fading fast.
The enemy camp:
There's bands and artists out there that have taken their side with the enemy, whether they wanted to or realized it or not. For example, Eminem's song, My Darling, is one of the creepiest things I've heard. It's basically him having a conversation with the demon that owns him. Marshall makes it clear he doesn't want it, but it's got him held fast. Disturbed is pretty open in their fondness for demons (for those who say they're a Christian band, look at any of their lyrics or album covers.) Katy Perry (a former Christian who I saw in an old P.O.D. music video last night; that's why I'm looking into all this) declared in an interview that she sold her soul to the devil. Her Christian parents, who were never able to explain the "why's" of Christianity to her, are proud of her success and glad she's not on drugs. Lady Gaga's song, Judas, leaves no question as to where her loyalties lie.
The Lord's camp:
Worship bands aren't too hard to recognize. They lift high the name of Jesus directly in their lyrics and (hopefully) creative instrumentals. Some of the most powerful examples, the ones that know they're in a war and the kind of weapons they hold, are Ascend the Hill, a band on the Come&Live record label, that gives all their music away for free as "musicianaries." Flyleaf is a beautiful example, boldly filling their sets at secular shows with powerful worship and testimony. Hardcore band For Today screams powerful lyrics straight from scripture with authority. Leeland gave a powerful concert here on the U of M recently. Then there's the bands every modern church member knows and worships with: Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Jesus Culture.
The middle ground:
Some bands are out there completely oblivious to the war and are finding themselves on the wrong end of the gun because of it. Paramore began as a band that made sure everyone knew they were Christians, but after the recording of their last album, two band members left because Haley was turning increasingly away from God. In one of her songs, she wrote, "the truth never set me free, so I'll do it myself." Linkin Park makes it clear they're searching for some sort of truth, something that will heal them and make their lives meaningful, but have clearly been hurt by Christians. There was so much hope and life in Alter Bridge's first two albums, but their third took a seriously dark turn, no doubt from the sketchy company they've been touring with. Billy Ray Cyrus is distraught over apparently losing his daughter Miley to the enemy in the drugs and all the worldly pleasures she's given herself to.
And how many "Christian" bands do nothing to lift up God's name? People took note of Jesus because He taught with authority. Sing and play with authority! Don't skate around Jesus' name. That's where the power is.
It's time to wake up and realize the war we're in and how much it permeates everything we do. Look up these references and see for yourself. Don't blindly (deafly?) listen to just any sort music, because it is so powerful in the spiritual realm. It has the power to lift up or tear down principalities and powers, demons, in an area. Consecrate your mind and your heart and pay attention.
PRAY for these musicians. I'm not OK with the enemy holding onto Eminem when it's so clear he wants out. I'm OK with Katy Perry being stolen right out from under our noses. I'm not OK with these men and women with such powerful gifts being stolen away from worshiping the One True God and being bound up in sin.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Everything
So, my last blog post was a bit hasty and emotional. And a long time ago. I'm not always very clear at communicating what I want to say and I've learned a lot more since then, so here's some clarity.
I want everything I do, every decision I make to bring glory to God. I want to bless God and other people or be building myself up so that I can bless others more effectively. I want to be able to say at any time that what I am doing is for God's glory.
This is why I have chosen to stop taking in entertainment. I don't play video games, watch television, read books, spend time online, or listen to music unless it is in some way building me up or truly blessing someone else.
I really can't help but see the television as a shrine to an idol. It's placed in the most prominent place in the house, at the center of everything, so we can gather around and let it wash our mind of the cares of the day.
God deserves everything we have. Every moment of our time and our attention. If I go and pray all day and then do something for my own self, is it not still sin? If I worship at God's feet all day and then bow towards Mecca and recite an Islamic prayer, is it not still idolatry? Then why do we spend our time in prayer in the morning (assuming we do that much) and then spend all evening in front of the television? God's way better at giving rest and comfort anyway.
Some wouldn't do it on their own, but for the sake of being with friends and "fellowshipping." Is it truly fellowship if you're so drawn into a game where you're killing the other person repeatedly that you never learn one thing about their lives? Is it truly fellowship if their having a horrible week and you never found out because both of you were too busy going spiritually and emotionally numb in front of the television? I will go places where everyone is focused on the television screen, but I know if I put my focus there, I'll go numb and lose the sense of God's presence. I'll be spent most of the Superbowl silently praying for the people in the room. We can do so much better with conversation, group prayer, or at least a simple card game where you can still get to know the other people better and grow closer to them.
I wonder how many Christians spend more time in prayer than being entertained.
These are things I firmly believe and since implementing them, God's given me many other ways to spend my time more fruitfully. I've been learning other languages online, praying and reading my Bible a ton, having awesome conversations with people, going for long walks and praying or thinking, practicing instruments, etc. I intend to take full advantage of the time God's given me now to let Him prepare me for ministry in the future.
Please pray over this and ask me if you have any questions. God's coming back soon. Purify your heart and your life and spend the extra time letting God develop and mature you for His work. God bless you!
I want everything I do, every decision I make to bring glory to God. I want to bless God and other people or be building myself up so that I can bless others more effectively. I want to be able to say at any time that what I am doing is for God's glory.
This is why I have chosen to stop taking in entertainment. I don't play video games, watch television, read books, spend time online, or listen to music unless it is in some way building me up or truly blessing someone else.
I really can't help but see the television as a shrine to an idol. It's placed in the most prominent place in the house, at the center of everything, so we can gather around and let it wash our mind of the cares of the day.
God deserves everything we have. Every moment of our time and our attention. If I go and pray all day and then do something for my own self, is it not still sin? If I worship at God's feet all day and then bow towards Mecca and recite an Islamic prayer, is it not still idolatry? Then why do we spend our time in prayer in the morning (assuming we do that much) and then spend all evening in front of the television? God's way better at giving rest and comfort anyway.
Some wouldn't do it on their own, but for the sake of being with friends and "fellowshipping." Is it truly fellowship if you're so drawn into a game where you're killing the other person repeatedly that you never learn one thing about their lives? Is it truly fellowship if their having a horrible week and you never found out because both of you were too busy going spiritually and emotionally numb in front of the television? I will go places where everyone is focused on the television screen, but I know if I put my focus there, I'll go numb and lose the sense of God's presence. I'll be spent most of the Superbowl silently praying for the people in the room. We can do so much better with conversation, group prayer, or at least a simple card game where you can still get to know the other people better and grow closer to them.
I wonder how many Christians spend more time in prayer than being entertained.
These are things I firmly believe and since implementing them, God's given me many other ways to spend my time more fruitfully. I've been learning other languages online, praying and reading my Bible a ton, having awesome conversations with people, going for long walks and praying or thinking, practicing instruments, etc. I intend to take full advantage of the time God's given me now to let Him prepare me for ministry in the future.
Please pray over this and ask me if you have any questions. God's coming back soon. Purify your heart and your life and spend the extra time letting God develop and mature you for His work. God bless you!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Lion
I just spent two hours with some good Christian brothers watching Saturday Night Live and came away from it feeling sick. Everyone, including myself, laughed at some point. There was some entertainment value, but it just wasn't nearly worth the cost. I want to think, feel, and act like Christ. If I'm allowing that into my mind, it doesn't matter if I agree with it or not. It becomes part of my worldview, how I see things. I see people swearing, insulting, and offering their genitals to others in boxes and label it as humor instead of sinful.
I'm seriously fired up about this. God's been giving me a heart for purity and an aggression toward anything that threatens it. He's been calling me a lion lately, and I'm feeling what that means tonight. If we want to be the church and bride of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be pure! That means sacrificing things that don't bring us closer to Him. Everything we do must bring us closer to Him! Do we not say we're living, or at least wanting to live, wholly surrendered to Him? Then why would we watch what He wouldn't, play what He wouldn't, accept what He wouldn't? C'mon!
My heart hurts over this! I'm tired of being silent and I certainly should have said more tonight, and even more so on previous occasions. We don't realize how much faster we'll be transformed into Christ's likeness if we stop gazing on the television and seek the heart of God. We're lied to by the enemy that we would be bored if we sat with God for as long as we could watch TV. This isn't true. He may not always satisfy immediately, but He will move whether or not you feel it. Go to Him expectantly, without agenda, and see if He doesn't reward you. Those who seek WILL find. If not immediately, look again. He wants to be the only one that satisfies you and will equip you for it! He will change your heart if you let Him.
We won't have revival without repentance. Christ won't come without a pure bride. If you're hungry to see the church alive, then let God be who He is! No more 10 minute morning and evening prayers. Sit with Him, in His Word, in worship, or in prayer for an hour or more. Let Him satisfy you in ways the world never could. I dare you. I say this because I've tasted and seen! The Lord is that good. Please let this sink in and pray over it.
I'm seriously fired up about this. God's been giving me a heart for purity and an aggression toward anything that threatens it. He's been calling me a lion lately, and I'm feeling what that means tonight. If we want to be the church and bride of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be pure! That means sacrificing things that don't bring us closer to Him. Everything we do must bring us closer to Him! Do we not say we're living, or at least wanting to live, wholly surrendered to Him? Then why would we watch what He wouldn't, play what He wouldn't, accept what He wouldn't? C'mon!
My heart hurts over this! I'm tired of being silent and I certainly should have said more tonight, and even more so on previous occasions. We don't realize how much faster we'll be transformed into Christ's likeness if we stop gazing on the television and seek the heart of God. We're lied to by the enemy that we would be bored if we sat with God for as long as we could watch TV. This isn't true. He may not always satisfy immediately, but He will move whether or not you feel it. Go to Him expectantly, without agenda, and see if He doesn't reward you. Those who seek WILL find. If not immediately, look again. He wants to be the only one that satisfies you and will equip you for it! He will change your heart if you let Him.
We won't have revival without repentance. Christ won't come without a pure bride. If you're hungry to see the church alive, then let God be who He is! No more 10 minute morning and evening prayers. Sit with Him, in His Word, in worship, or in prayer for an hour or more. Let Him satisfy you in ways the world never could. I dare you. I say this because I've tasted and seen! The Lord is that good. Please let this sink in and pray over it.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Re(s/v)olution
I can't leave my previous blog unresolved, so here's the thrilling conclusion?
I'm no longer depressed and in pain. I'm joyful.
There it is.
I suppose you want the story to go with it. If you give a mouse a cookie, right? haha
So last week at small group, The Gary Clark and I talked and prayed, and though I couldn't say precisely what I wanted, I knew I needed a move of God's love, to know Him deeper as a person. A day or two later, I was laying down seeking God and I pictured myself standing in my heart (like Magic School Bus-type thing) and seeing a big gelatinous blob chilling there. That was my depression. It had developed nearly 8 years ago and has apparently just been chilling there ever since. I knew (instinctively, I guess) that it would take joy from God to resolve it. I pondered this a bit and very soon I was right back in my heart with a guest: Jesus. He laid His hand on the blob and right away it quickly shrank to nothing. He left some sort of golden orb there as a reminder as well, an altar of remembrance I suppose. I'm not completely sure of the significance of that yet. But I felt this in my heart immediately. I was filled with joy and I have been ever since. My emotions have certainly waxed and waned, but there's always a joyful heart waiting underneath now. Praise the Lord!
Bonus story:
A few weeks ago my friend Katelyn badly burned one of her feet and I told her I would cover her in prayer (which I did.) A week or so later, at about 3 am, I woke up with my left foot painfully itching. I turned on the light and checked it over and nothing looked wrong at all. I was reminded of Katelyn's situation and and prayed for her and slowly my pain/itch faded. I asked her via Facebook, "Was it your left foot?," and it was. She had gone to the ER that night because it had become infected. I've heard of this kind of stuff before, but it's so much cooler to have God do it in you.
Oh, and the revolution part? Well, I just feel inspired to make music lately. I know and I see that God is raising up musicians to lead a movement. Whole-hearted worshippers like Flyleaf, norm-challengers like Switchfoot, and those who long for His return like Anberlin. All these have been around a while, but they're all more mainstream than ever and it's becoming seemingly more acceptable to look at God in the music scene, even for secular artists (30 Seconds to Mars?.) I saw a quote last night on Switchfoot's The Sound music video:
I'm no longer depressed and in pain. I'm joyful.
There it is.
I suppose you want the story to go with it. If you give a mouse a cookie, right? haha
So last week at small group, The Gary Clark and I talked and prayed, and though I couldn't say precisely what I wanted, I knew I needed a move of God's love, to know Him deeper as a person. A day or two later, I was laying down seeking God and I pictured myself standing in my heart (like Magic School Bus-type thing) and seeing a big gelatinous blob chilling there. That was my depression. It had developed nearly 8 years ago and has apparently just been chilling there ever since. I knew (instinctively, I guess) that it would take joy from God to resolve it. I pondered this a bit and very soon I was right back in my heart with a guest: Jesus. He laid His hand on the blob and right away it quickly shrank to nothing. He left some sort of golden orb there as a reminder as well, an altar of remembrance I suppose. I'm not completely sure of the significance of that yet. But I felt this in my heart immediately. I was filled with joy and I have been ever since. My emotions have certainly waxed and waned, but there's always a joyful heart waiting underneath now. Praise the Lord!
Bonus story:
A few weeks ago my friend Katelyn badly burned one of her feet and I told her I would cover her in prayer (which I did.) A week or so later, at about 3 am, I woke up with my left foot painfully itching. I turned on the light and checked it over and nothing looked wrong at all. I was reminded of Katelyn's situation and and prayed for her and slowly my pain/itch faded. I asked her via Facebook, "Was it your left foot?," and it was. She had gone to the ER that night because it had become infected. I've heard of this kind of stuff before, but it's so much cooler to have God do it in you.
Oh, and the revolution part? Well, I just feel inspired to make music lately. I know and I see that God is raising up musicians to lead a movement. Whole-hearted worshippers like Flyleaf, norm-challengers like Switchfoot, and those who long for His return like Anberlin. All these have been around a while, but they're all more mainstream than ever and it's becoming seemingly more acceptable to look at God in the music scene, even for secular artists (30 Seconds to Mars?.) I saw a quote last night on Switchfoot's The Sound music video:
Any movement to start that's gonna move anywhere is gotta get music to drive it... We gotta get music to drive what we are doing. ~John M. Perkins
...And I want to be that music.Thursday, June 24, 2010
Summertime Blues
So, it's been a while.
Recap:
The rest of my semester at school was amazing. That prayer group grew, meeting in the auditorium every day at four, learning to pray under God's leading. In the last days, though, things started clouding up fast for me spiritually. I could no longer distinguish God from other spirits and occasionally followed the wrong one. I cried often (which is really unusual for me) because I wasn't getting my rest in God and nothing else satisfied. Nothing was going as I had planned: my car was a money pit, I couldn't find a job, random other monetary demands came at me.
Although I still don't have a job and I'm completely on monetary life-support from my parents, I finally feel spiritually... ok. I've learned to find God's voice (for the first time) in the Bible, where I'm supposed to find it. It grounds my prayer, gives me a base for actually hearing God again in a real, new way. While I'm still very uncomfortable, I can feel Him again. I can trust Him. I have a local spiritual community and a little hope. I still don't feel good...
Ok, so I'm really bad at writing about emotion, because I have zero experience in it. Emotions are hard and inconvinient and I don't know what to do with them. I'm tempted to go to surface talk, it's not nearly as easy to be self-controlled. I thought I was really good at self-control. I thought I was really good in general for a long time. But...
Preface: I had a conversation with Gloria in her dorm one evening and she made a comment to the effect of, "I am not a jelly donut, I am whole grain bread."
"...?"
"I'm rough around the edges, tough to get through, but really good for you."
Crystal walks in: "I'm like broccolli:" Something about green and cheesy
Meanwhile I have no idea what kind of... spiritual food I would be.
The next day, Gloria, Katrina, Sadie and I went to a bible study at NorthWestern where Gloria was to speak. The night ended with prophesy, which, for me, is very not normal. We gathered in a circle and one at a time someone was prayed for in the middle, someone(s) else would get some sort of prophetic image/vision and others would get interpretation. When I was in the middle, Sadie got an image of scrambled eggs.
That's what spiritual food I am.
I'm really a mess.
And at a later prayer meeting, Sadie said I'm still scrambled eggs, but now there's some cayanne pepper or something in there making me cry.
So there it is: uncomfortable, emotional, messy. And though I really, really wanted to say everything's wrapping up nicely, that's not how life works, despite my previous obliviousness (oblivion?).
And I was feeling good before I started writing. Gosh. Heart digging is a bit more painful with emotion (substance) there.
Recap:
The rest of my semester at school was amazing. That prayer group grew, meeting in the auditorium every day at four, learning to pray under God's leading. In the last days, though, things started clouding up fast for me spiritually. I could no longer distinguish God from other spirits and occasionally followed the wrong one. I cried often (which is really unusual for me) because I wasn't getting my rest in God and nothing else satisfied. Nothing was going as I had planned: my car was a money pit, I couldn't find a job, random other monetary demands came at me.
Although I still don't have a job and I'm completely on monetary life-support from my parents, I finally feel spiritually... ok. I've learned to find God's voice (for the first time) in the Bible, where I'm supposed to find it. It grounds my prayer, gives me a base for actually hearing God again in a real, new way. While I'm still very uncomfortable, I can feel Him again. I can trust Him. I have a local spiritual community and a little hope. I still don't feel good...
Ok, so I'm really bad at writing about emotion, because I have zero experience in it. Emotions are hard and inconvinient and I don't know what to do with them. I'm tempted to go to surface talk, it's not nearly as easy to be self-controlled. I thought I was really good at self-control. I thought I was really good in general for a long time. But...
Preface: I had a conversation with Gloria in her dorm one evening and she made a comment to the effect of, "I am not a jelly donut, I am whole grain bread."
"...?"
"I'm rough around the edges, tough to get through, but really good for you."
Crystal walks in: "I'm like broccolli:" Something about green and cheesy
Meanwhile I have no idea what kind of... spiritual food I would be.
The next day, Gloria, Katrina, Sadie and I went to a bible study at NorthWestern where Gloria was to speak. The night ended with prophesy, which, for me, is very not normal. We gathered in a circle and one at a time someone was prayed for in the middle, someone(s) else would get some sort of prophetic image/vision and others would get interpretation. When I was in the middle, Sadie got an image of scrambled eggs.
That's what spiritual food I am.
I'm really a mess.
And at a later prayer meeting, Sadie said I'm still scrambled eggs, but now there's some cayanne pepper or something in there making me cry.
So there it is: uncomfortable, emotional, messy. And though I really, really wanted to say everything's wrapping up nicely, that's not how life works, despite my previous obliviousness (oblivion?).
And I was feeling good before I started writing. Gosh. Heart digging is a bit more painful with emotion (substance) there.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Belief
I realized today that I believe things very strongly. I'm very passionate about the things I believe in. But I'm so hesitant to tell people. I'm so hesitant to let others know my beliefs. For instance, God spoke to me today. He had me write down basically a page of stuff and then read it at the prayer meeting I was at today. Later someone asked, "Did you get that straight from God?" I couldn't say yes. I had to explain myself, work into it. It feels cocky or presumptuous to say it's God speaking through me. But I believe very strongly that that's what it was. Same goes for theological stuff. I have opinions, believe it or not. Ask me, and watch. Hold me accountable here; help me build my confidence.
Here's what God had me write down and read this afternoon:
I love you. I love you with all of my heart. You will never miss what I have for you. I have it all planned out. Such great things are in store for you! Are you ready? It's coming hard and fast; be prepared and watch for me. I'm coming. Are you living for that day? Are you ready to stand before me in my glory? You don't stand a chance unless you let me prepare you. You're going to be so much more than you are or were, more than you've seen. I've made this generation with a special purpose: to prepare the way. Unseen forces will come against you; astonishing things. But do not fear, for I am with you. I love you. I Love You! Me! The God of the Universe. Are you ready for me? Are you ready for me to come? You have nothing on your own strength, but I will make you great if you abide in me. Nothing will stop you, seen or unseen, if you stay with me. I love you. I will never leave you. You are my child. You can't grow up and move away. I have room in my house for you forever. No rent, no dues to pay, just love, forever. Are you ready? Then live like it! That's what's in store, what's coming. You won't find anything better; stop trying. None of your games or friends can please you like I can. Live like it. I am coming, and if you're not prepared, there's Hell to pay. But let me make you ready and you'll never regret your choice. You'll live life unashamed, unafraid, no enemies worth speaking of. Your eyes on higher things, you'll rule this world with Me. You are in Me and I am in You. The God of the Universe, abiding in you. Live like it, and you'll see me, see my face, my glory in all it's beauty. I love you, child. You are my beloved and I delight in you.
Here's what God had me write down and read this afternoon:
I love you. I love you with all of my heart. You will never miss what I have for you. I have it all planned out. Such great things are in store for you! Are you ready? It's coming hard and fast; be prepared and watch for me. I'm coming. Are you living for that day? Are you ready to stand before me in my glory? You don't stand a chance unless you let me prepare you. You're going to be so much more than you are or were, more than you've seen. I've made this generation with a special purpose: to prepare the way. Unseen forces will come against you; astonishing things. But do not fear, for I am with you. I love you. I Love You! Me! The God of the Universe. Are you ready for me? Are you ready for me to come? You have nothing on your own strength, but I will make you great if you abide in me. Nothing will stop you, seen or unseen, if you stay with me. I love you. I will never leave you. You are my child. You can't grow up and move away. I have room in my house for you forever. No rent, no dues to pay, just love, forever. Are you ready? Then live like it! That's what's in store, what's coming. You won't find anything better; stop trying. None of your games or friends can please you like I can. Live like it. I am coming, and if you're not prepared, there's Hell to pay. But let me make you ready and you'll never regret your choice. You'll live life unashamed, unafraid, no enemies worth speaking of. Your eyes on higher things, you'll rule this world with Me. You are in Me and I am in You. The God of the Universe, abiding in you. Live like it, and you'll see me, see my face, my glory in all it's beauty. I love you, child. You are my beloved and I delight in you.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Offensive
I'm living at North Central University in the dorms and I have a lot to learn. Living with people that go to bed later than I do is new. All my little survival mechanisms are being deactivated as I run into situations where they just don't work anymore. I wanted to cling to the slow paced life I'm used to, with plenty of time to think and sort through what's going on, but I can't slow the demands on my time and money. I'm not used to dealing with people all day everyday. I would deal with people a few hours, then go home and reset myself. It's a lot of change at once.
I've found a deeply rooted dislike for true intimacy in my heart. I don't fully understand it yet, but here are the highlights. There are a few people here that are so in love with Jesus that they are in constant awe, amazed at who He is. I love that on Sunday night, but it makes me rather uncomfortable in a science class in the middle of the day. It offends me. I'm looking for information, not emotion. I've spent many years in school numb and silent, and it's really unusual to be having conversations with a near stranger about the love of God before class. I can't sit in awe of God when I just want to find out how metabolism works so I can pass the next exam. But I want that passion so badly. I want to stop caring what other people think and be able sit and close my eyes to receive love from God if I need to.
I stumbled upon a prayer meeting on my dorm floor that meets everyday in the afternoon. It's the same thing. I can say a nice prayer about how I want revival to come here, but it God starts moving His Spirit in my body and leading me to cry out, it doesn't compute. I want God to reign in me; I want to be an open vessel but part of me still wants others' opinions of me to remain favorable. It's contradictory. I've said it a thousand times, but now my actions have to line up.
I've found a deeply rooted dislike for true intimacy in my heart. I don't fully understand it yet, but here are the highlights. There are a few people here that are so in love with Jesus that they are in constant awe, amazed at who He is. I love that on Sunday night, but it makes me rather uncomfortable in a science class in the middle of the day. It offends me. I'm looking for information, not emotion. I've spent many years in school numb and silent, and it's really unusual to be having conversations with a near stranger about the love of God before class. I can't sit in awe of God when I just want to find out how metabolism works so I can pass the next exam. But I want that passion so badly. I want to stop caring what other people think and be able sit and close my eyes to receive love from God if I need to.
I stumbled upon a prayer meeting on my dorm floor that meets everyday in the afternoon. It's the same thing. I can say a nice prayer about how I want revival to come here, but it God starts moving His Spirit in my body and leading me to cry out, it doesn't compute. I want God to reign in me; I want to be an open vessel but part of me still wants others' opinions of me to remain favorable. It's contradictory. I've said it a thousand times, but now my actions have to line up.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
onething '09 pt. 2
(Read pt. 1 first, below. Then read this.)
I still have a lot to tell.
Day 3. We went to the morning session taught by Loren Cunningham, founder of YWAM and probably the most well-traveled man in history. He had some amazing stories, including one of a team of 23 youths in Africa that, by serving them and sharing the gospel, broke apart an entire militant camp of thousands of people. I spent the afternoon in the prayer room and the evening gathering was all awakening focus. Instead of having a speaker, the Holy Spirit was given free reign to do what He would.
Here's where it gets ridiculous. As we started seeking the Lord, He started healing people. Someone near the front lifted up their leg cast and started waving it in the air. A few seconds later a group of people lifted up a wheelchair and started waving it in the air. The girl in the wheelchair testified on stage soon afterward; she had had some sort of severe scoliosis that God healed. A person I had met the night before had his chronic knee pain healed and was jumping around. When he was prayed for after that, he was immediately slain in the spirit (I guess that's what you call that, it just sounds really really weird) quite dramatically, falling over backwards before anyone was near enough to catch him.
Wes Hall, the man onstage, was calling out things God was declaring He wanted to heal. When he said, "Raise your hand if you have asthma," I did, and quickly had about 7 people's hands on me in prayer. I went down pretty quickly. Although we're always encouraged to test it out, see if you've been healed, I was hesitant and stayed to worship. One of the guys behind me that prayed for me asked if I had, and I (again hesitantly) went out to see what I could do to test it out. I ran down the aisles, but there wasn't room enough in any direction to keep going. I then went to the bookstore (a large open area) and tried it out there. My stomach started cramping up a little and I got severely thirsty and heavy breathing after a couple laps, but no where near what I would have had before. Normally I'd have to sit down and I'd have a very sore chest and throat. I'm still hesitant to just say it's healed, but that's what it seems to point to. Here at school I can go up and down several flights of stairs quickly without serious fatigue, which is new.
I went over to the drinking fountain because I was thirsty. While standing in line, a guy in an IHOP-U shirt in front of me saw me twitching a little bit yet and started laughing. He put his hand on me and shouted, "More, Lord!" I was on the ground again, right in front of the bathrooms. It was rather humorous.
Later we went into kind of a time of intercession and I started... groaning, I guess? It was basically shouting, "Oh!" a lot. As it started, Allen Hood (who was on the stage, quoted the verse about the Spirit making intercession in groanings and utterances beyond our comprehension, so I believe that's what that was. Toward the end, I got an image of an eye in my mind, like a painting in a museum. I had heard that's a sign to pray for someone with a problem in that area, so I stored that in my mind.
The shuttle back to IHOP base was basically a drunk (in the Spirit) bus. People were falling all over, praying for each other, prophesying, and most of all, laughing. As I was giggling, Mike in the seat behind me stuck a rolled-up piece of paper in my ear to say, "This is the call of a yak: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAK! YYYYYAAAAAAK!" The guy next to me was wearing glasses, so remembering that image I had, I prayed for his eyes to be healed. I don't know if they were or not. I don't have a ton of faith in this area yet, which I feel is somewhat required.
I woke up the next morning pretty sore, but I led a Taiwanese friend to pray to recieve Christ as Lord over Facebook Chat. He was trying to figure out what to do with his life, so I gave him what I'm doing with mine. I was pretty pumped about that.
To kinda sum up the rest of it, I believe I'm called to be a full-time musician, likely in a prayer room of some kind. Lou Engle spoke out on New Year's Eve against abortion and a prophetic word given to him about God planning to bring 2 for 1: two new people to Christ for every victim of abortion. Wow. The awesomeness continued throughout that day, but I don't have it journaled, so I can't really pick out much of what happened. We spent New Year's night at Mark's house and left in the morning. The end.
I still have a lot to tell.
Day 3. We went to the morning session taught by Loren Cunningham, founder of YWAM and probably the most well-traveled man in history. He had some amazing stories, including one of a team of 23 youths in Africa that, by serving them and sharing the gospel, broke apart an entire militant camp of thousands of people. I spent the afternoon in the prayer room and the evening gathering was all awakening focus. Instead of having a speaker, the Holy Spirit was given free reign to do what He would.
Here's where it gets ridiculous. As we started seeking the Lord, He started healing people. Someone near the front lifted up their leg cast and started waving it in the air. A few seconds later a group of people lifted up a wheelchair and started waving it in the air. The girl in the wheelchair testified on stage soon afterward; she had had some sort of severe scoliosis that God healed. A person I had met the night before had his chronic knee pain healed and was jumping around. When he was prayed for after that, he was immediately slain in the spirit (I guess that's what you call that, it just sounds really really weird) quite dramatically, falling over backwards before anyone was near enough to catch him.
Wes Hall, the man onstage, was calling out things God was declaring He wanted to heal. When he said, "Raise your hand if you have asthma," I did, and quickly had about 7 people's hands on me in prayer. I went down pretty quickly. Although we're always encouraged to test it out, see if you've been healed, I was hesitant and stayed to worship. One of the guys behind me that prayed for me asked if I had, and I (again hesitantly) went out to see what I could do to test it out. I ran down the aisles, but there wasn't room enough in any direction to keep going. I then went to the bookstore (a large open area) and tried it out there. My stomach started cramping up a little and I got severely thirsty and heavy breathing after a couple laps, but no where near what I would have had before. Normally I'd have to sit down and I'd have a very sore chest and throat. I'm still hesitant to just say it's healed, but that's what it seems to point to. Here at school I can go up and down several flights of stairs quickly without serious fatigue, which is new.
I went over to the drinking fountain because I was thirsty. While standing in line, a guy in an IHOP-U shirt in front of me saw me twitching a little bit yet and started laughing. He put his hand on me and shouted, "More, Lord!" I was on the ground again, right in front of the bathrooms. It was rather humorous.
Later we went into kind of a time of intercession and I started... groaning, I guess? It was basically shouting, "Oh!" a lot. As it started, Allen Hood (who was on the stage, quoted the verse about the Spirit making intercession in groanings and utterances beyond our comprehension, so I believe that's what that was. Toward the end, I got an image of an eye in my mind, like a painting in a museum. I had heard that's a sign to pray for someone with a problem in that area, so I stored that in my mind.
The shuttle back to IHOP base was basically a drunk (in the Spirit) bus. People were falling all over, praying for each other, prophesying, and most of all, laughing. As I was giggling, Mike in the seat behind me stuck a rolled-up piece of paper in my ear to say, "This is the call of a yak: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAK! YYYYYAAAAAAK!" The guy next to me was wearing glasses, so remembering that image I had, I prayed for his eyes to be healed. I don't know if they were or not. I don't have a ton of faith in this area yet, which I feel is somewhat required.
I woke up the next morning pretty sore, but I led a Taiwanese friend to pray to recieve Christ as Lord over Facebook Chat. He was trying to figure out what to do with his life, so I gave him what I'm doing with mine. I was pretty pumped about that.
To kinda sum up the rest of it, I believe I'm called to be a full-time musician, likely in a prayer room of some kind. Lou Engle spoke out on New Year's Eve against abortion and a prophetic word given to him about God planning to bring 2 for 1: two new people to Christ for every victim of abortion. Wow. The awesomeness continued throughout that day, but I don't have it journaled, so I can't really pick out much of what happened. We spent New Year's night at Mark's house and left in the morning. The end.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
onething '09 pt. 1
I have a lot to tell.
So over the Christmas break, I went to onething '09 conference at IHOP-Kansas City. Michael Pardun and I arrived the night before the conference started. We peeked in the prayer room and could immediately feel a powerful sense of God's presence. We dropped our stuff off at the house we were staying at and then went back. We spent an hour there and God prepared me for the conference by breaking down the barrier of insecurity over my heart. Over the conference the power of God was so strong in that gathering, in those people. Everybody prayed for everybody, and there was such an easy sense of community; everyone was there because they wanted God. It's going to be really hard to organize what happened in me when into a timeline though, so here's some stories.
The first session of the conference began and once I could somewhat wrap my head around what was going on, I dove into the worship. Misty Edwards led, proclaiming, "I'm in love with God and He's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be and that settles it." Mike Bickle probably taught something and then we went into 'ministry time.' 'Ministry time' is when we ask the Holy Spirit to come and do something and then He does something. I was up near the front and people laid their hands on me and prayed. I was shaking to much to remain standing so I laid down to drink in what God was doing. One of the people that came by to pray for me (they came and went) started prophesying over me, saying that I'm a man of clean hands and pure heart, my Father loves His son and that I would see the Lord. The last part was a bit vague, and I puzzled over it a little bit. That evening they had an awakening service, which is basically the same as a ministry time. I went down three more times under prayer (some of them quite a bit less gradual than the first) and I was told that I would heal the sick and cast out demons. Although the atmosphere was so new, I felt so much at home there.
The next day we slept in and watched the first message via webcast and then took the shuttle in. I found out there was a healing room, so I went to check it out because I wanted my eyes healed. I had been praying for it the day before as well because others were getting healed of things. It'd be something dramatic that I could show everyone what God had done for me. The guys prayed for my healing, but God made it clear to me that He wasn't going to give me that when I was seeking healing above Him. I was somewhat apathetic during the afternoon session due to my tiredness and my misguided search for healing.
Mark, our friend who moved from Wisconsin down to Kansas City, hung out with us and the three of us swapped stories of what God was doing/had been doing in us. After finishing our conversation and our Lunchables, Mark wanted to pray for us, so we went (of course) to the prayer room. With a hand on each of our shoulders, he asked the Holy Spirit to come as he prayed individually for each of us. When he finished, we simply waited there for the Spirit. I started to twitch again. He started whispering "Fire" and before long I was on the floor again. They both prayed for me (once dragging me out of the walkway) as God worked deep in me. God spoke of the priority of my relationship with Him; I'm not bound to the expectations of others. He reaffirmed and clarified the word a stranger had for me the day before: You will see me when I return. Wow. Mike Bickle has said multiple times that he believes people in that room would live to see Jesus when He returns, and if that's what He's talking about, wow. As they were still praying for me, Michael leaned in and prophesied over me! He said my lips would be set afire to speak truth and wisdom and the Gospel. The Fire of the Holy Spirit would come out from my mouth. After a while, I told Mark and Mike they could go on as I just sat and soaked in God's presence.
When I finally got upstairs, there was a musical celebration going on with "Jesus, Let Me See Your Eyes" (Cory Asbury.) I finally found my friends when the jumping settled down. I found myself free to really start praying for others around me. It's incredible to see everyone agreeing in prayer for each other and God's power flourishing in that atmosphere. I felt unusual warmth on my hands as I prayed for my friend Gabe, releasing even more of God's work. The boldness and confidence came from having my only obligation be God, and fear of others opinions just didn't make sense anymore. Perfect love casts out all fear. I found even after I left, I would shake or have some sort of tic just about everytime I laughed, felt joyful, or simply felt God's Spirit doing something.
I'm going to have to end there. I'll have the rest later.
So over the Christmas break, I went to onething '09 conference at IHOP-Kansas City. Michael Pardun and I arrived the night before the conference started. We peeked in the prayer room and could immediately feel a powerful sense of God's presence. We dropped our stuff off at the house we were staying at and then went back. We spent an hour there and God prepared me for the conference by breaking down the barrier of insecurity over my heart. Over the conference the power of God was so strong in that gathering, in those people. Everybody prayed for everybody, and there was such an easy sense of community; everyone was there because they wanted God. It's going to be really hard to organize what happened in me when into a timeline though, so here's some stories.
The first session of the conference began and once I could somewhat wrap my head around what was going on, I dove into the worship. Misty Edwards led, proclaiming, "I'm in love with God and He's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be and that settles it." Mike Bickle probably taught something and then we went into 'ministry time.' 'Ministry time' is when we ask the Holy Spirit to come and do something and then He does something. I was up near the front and people laid their hands on me and prayed. I was shaking to much to remain standing so I laid down to drink in what God was doing. One of the people that came by to pray for me (they came and went) started prophesying over me, saying that I'm a man of clean hands and pure heart, my Father loves His son and that I would see the Lord. The last part was a bit vague, and I puzzled over it a little bit. That evening they had an awakening service, which is basically the same as a ministry time. I went down three more times under prayer (some of them quite a bit less gradual than the first) and I was told that I would heal the sick and cast out demons. Although the atmosphere was so new, I felt so much at home there.
The next day we slept in and watched the first message via webcast and then took the shuttle in. I found out there was a healing room, so I went to check it out because I wanted my eyes healed. I had been praying for it the day before as well because others were getting healed of things. It'd be something dramatic that I could show everyone what God had done for me. The guys prayed for my healing, but God made it clear to me that He wasn't going to give me that when I was seeking healing above Him. I was somewhat apathetic during the afternoon session due to my tiredness and my misguided search for healing.
Mark, our friend who moved from Wisconsin down to Kansas City, hung out with us and the three of us swapped stories of what God was doing/had been doing in us. After finishing our conversation and our Lunchables, Mark wanted to pray for us, so we went (of course) to the prayer room. With a hand on each of our shoulders, he asked the Holy Spirit to come as he prayed individually for each of us. When he finished, we simply waited there for the Spirit. I started to twitch again. He started whispering "Fire" and before long I was on the floor again. They both prayed for me (once dragging me out of the walkway) as God worked deep in me. God spoke of the priority of my relationship with Him; I'm not bound to the expectations of others. He reaffirmed and clarified the word a stranger had for me the day before: You will see me when I return. Wow. Mike Bickle has said multiple times that he believes people in that room would live to see Jesus when He returns, and if that's what He's talking about, wow. As they were still praying for me, Michael leaned in and prophesied over me! He said my lips would be set afire to speak truth and wisdom and the Gospel. The Fire of the Holy Spirit would come out from my mouth. After a while, I told Mark and Mike they could go on as I just sat and soaked in God's presence.
When I finally got upstairs, there was a musical celebration going on with "Jesus, Let Me See Your Eyes" (Cory Asbury.) I finally found my friends when the jumping settled down. I found myself free to really start praying for others around me. It's incredible to see everyone agreeing in prayer for each other and God's power flourishing in that atmosphere. I felt unusual warmth on my hands as I prayed for my friend Gabe, releasing even more of God's work. The boldness and confidence came from having my only obligation be God, and fear of others opinions just didn't make sense anymore. Perfect love casts out all fear. I found even after I left, I would shake or have some sort of tic just about everytime I laughed, felt joyful, or simply felt God's Spirit doing something.
I'm going to have to end there. I'll have the rest later.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Spirit Moves
It's been an interesting time. The biggest spiritual development has been the surprising increase in supernatural movement in my life. It's a bit hard to explain, and it's a pretty controversial subject, I suppose. I want people to know there's more though.
I was watching the IHOP webstream again (this is a while ago, now) and the internet cut out. I felt God leading me to stop watching and participate. So I laid down and said, "Whatever you want to do, do it." Before long the Holy Spirit came and 'manifested' in my body. This apparently can look very different for each person and for whatever the Spirit wants to do that day. For me it's mostly shaking, movement in my spine and such. I've been given the gift of praying in tongues as well. It is strange, no doubt, but it's intimate. God's spirit unites with my spirit. The deeper I get into God, the more my head spins when I try to understand Him. I used to be pretty smart on the topics of religion. Now all I can do is shake my head or laugh in wonder.
I'm seeking to know God as a person now. I've prayed to Him forever, but He's so mystical to me. It doesn't really feel completely like a relationship. He can do things in my body and heart, but sometimes it feels more like the repairman coming to fix things and leaving, or Barney saying he loves me and then going to commercial. I'm closer than I've ever been, but I can see that there's so much more.
Last night I went to the opening of the 'Boiler Room' in the Love Power building downtown. Once again, super strange. I got the invite on Facebook from someone I'd never met, but I knew what it was about and wanted in. There were people there, my age and older, that were so abandoned in the presence of God. Some were dancing and twirling, some spinning flags, some blowing rams' horns, some interceding for strangers (I being the stranger on one occasion,) and there was an empty chair in front of the musicians so they could focus on ministering to Jesus. As they said at the start, "If you came expecting a religious service, you came to the wrong place." Apparently. But they had such freedom that I have yet to know. I stood (or knelt or laid) in one spot facing the stage, and they wandered all around, dancing and singing. One girl my age prayed into the mic a prayer so simple and so desperate for God that I started crying. I cried so much that night. Sometimes I had a reason, sometimes I didn't. Oh, it was beautiful. But it still showed me how much freedom I don't yet have, and how much closer to God I can still get. I want more.
I'm struggling with something else, though. God's given me eyes for certain people's hearts, and I tell them when I see something amiss. Lately I have been so tormented about this, because the messages are harder and heavier to deliver. The person's usual first reaction is surprise and occasionally anger (wounded pride, for Valleybrookers.) As Ezekial was given the same job in the bible and got some stronger messages and reactions, I'm assuming I'm not off base and that I am following God's leadings. Satan's trying so hard to tear me down about this, which is probably another sign I'm going in the right direction. It's so hard to hurt the ones that I love though, so that they might grow.
I'm going to IHOP in Kansas City for Onething soon. I expect God to do a lot in me there, deliver me freedoms and heal my body in certain ways. North Central comes soon after that, and Christmas just before. Life's busy, but full at the same time.
I was watching the IHOP webstream again (this is a while ago, now) and the internet cut out. I felt God leading me to stop watching and participate. So I laid down and said, "Whatever you want to do, do it." Before long the Holy Spirit came and 'manifested' in my body. This apparently can look very different for each person and for whatever the Spirit wants to do that day. For me it's mostly shaking, movement in my spine and such. I've been given the gift of praying in tongues as well. It is strange, no doubt, but it's intimate. God's spirit unites with my spirit. The deeper I get into God, the more my head spins when I try to understand Him. I used to be pretty smart on the topics of religion. Now all I can do is shake my head or laugh in wonder.
I'm seeking to know God as a person now. I've prayed to Him forever, but He's so mystical to me. It doesn't really feel completely like a relationship. He can do things in my body and heart, but sometimes it feels more like the repairman coming to fix things and leaving, or Barney saying he loves me and then going to commercial. I'm closer than I've ever been, but I can see that there's so much more.
Last night I went to the opening of the 'Boiler Room' in the Love Power building downtown. Once again, super strange. I got the invite on Facebook from someone I'd never met, but I knew what it was about and wanted in. There were people there, my age and older, that were so abandoned in the presence of God. Some were dancing and twirling, some spinning flags, some blowing rams' horns, some interceding for strangers (I being the stranger on one occasion,) and there was an empty chair in front of the musicians so they could focus on ministering to Jesus. As they said at the start, "If you came expecting a religious service, you came to the wrong place." Apparently. But they had such freedom that I have yet to know. I stood (or knelt or laid) in one spot facing the stage, and they wandered all around, dancing and singing. One girl my age prayed into the mic a prayer so simple and so desperate for God that I started crying. I cried so much that night. Sometimes I had a reason, sometimes I didn't. Oh, it was beautiful. But it still showed me how much freedom I don't yet have, and how much closer to God I can still get. I want more.
I'm struggling with something else, though. God's given me eyes for certain people's hearts, and I tell them when I see something amiss. Lately I have been so tormented about this, because the messages are harder and heavier to deliver. The person's usual first reaction is surprise and occasionally anger (wounded pride, for Valleybrookers.) As Ezekial was given the same job in the bible and got some stronger messages and reactions, I'm assuming I'm not off base and that I am following God's leadings. Satan's trying so hard to tear me down about this, which is probably another sign I'm going in the right direction. It's so hard to hurt the ones that I love though, so that they might grow.
I'm going to IHOP in Kansas City for Onething soon. I expect God to do a lot in me there, deliver me freedoms and heal my body in certain ways. North Central comes soon after that, and Christmas just before. Life's busy, but full at the same time.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Wall
I'm unsatisfied. Yes, God's been doing tons in my life and moving in ways I'd never imagined, I'm making money and I've been accepted to the college God's chosen for me. I'm spending more time with God that I ever have. But He's called me to so much more than I've dreamed of. He wants me to stand out. He wants me to do great things. But.
I went to North Central's praise gathering a couple weeks ago and sang my heart out. Halfway through, a girl laid out an altar call for sexual sin. God's freed me so much in this area of my life and I asked Him if there was anyone He wanted me to pray for. Like, all-out, lay hands on and pray, which I had never done for a stranger. This is something I feel called to. He highlighted a girl who had walked down toward the front. I had been expecting a male, as I am a male, and I was frozen in place. I prayed for her, but I didn't go up, I didn't move, I didn't lay hands on her. The rest of the time was spent in torment for not doing what God wanted me to. He's designated me as a watchman over the hearts of people around me, especially women, and called me to show them freedom, love and healing when they are hurting. But He's calling me to a whole new level, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of talking to strangers, afraid of what people will think, afraid of having no words, no comfort for them, hurting them worse, looking stupid, being insufficient. My fear paralyzes me. As I read Wild Goose Chase, every word screams, "Do something!" but my fear stares back at me.
I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart as God sets me free of things. Usually, when He illuminates something broken in me, I submit it and it gets burned away. This wall I see clearly now, and it's not just going away. Too much of my spirit agrees with the fear. How do I move when I'm paralyzed? How do I act on God's strength when fear blinds me?
I just took a walk through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is sketchy. Everyone gives me funny looks, and there's shoes tied together and draped over the power lines. Needless to say I don't take walks often. But there's such a sense of spiritual adventure in me that's growing and requiring an answer. It requires me to get up and do things I don't want to do. It was a nice little walk, and I wasn't robbed even once. I saw things in a different way on foot then in the safety of my car. My perspective changed. I need more of that.
I went to North Central's praise gathering a couple weeks ago and sang my heart out. Halfway through, a girl laid out an altar call for sexual sin. God's freed me so much in this area of my life and I asked Him if there was anyone He wanted me to pray for. Like, all-out, lay hands on and pray, which I had never done for a stranger. This is something I feel called to. He highlighted a girl who had walked down toward the front. I had been expecting a male, as I am a male, and I was frozen in place. I prayed for her, but I didn't go up, I didn't move, I didn't lay hands on her. The rest of the time was spent in torment for not doing what God wanted me to. He's designated me as a watchman over the hearts of people around me, especially women, and called me to show them freedom, love and healing when they are hurting. But He's calling me to a whole new level, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of talking to strangers, afraid of what people will think, afraid of having no words, no comfort for them, hurting them worse, looking stupid, being insufficient. My fear paralyzes me. As I read Wild Goose Chase, every word screams, "Do something!" but my fear stares back at me.
I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart as God sets me free of things. Usually, when He illuminates something broken in me, I submit it and it gets burned away. This wall I see clearly now, and it's not just going away. Too much of my spirit agrees with the fear. How do I move when I'm paralyzed? How do I act on God's strength when fear blinds me?
I just took a walk through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is sketchy. Everyone gives me funny looks, and there's shoes tied together and draped over the power lines. Needless to say I don't take walks often. But there's such a sense of spiritual adventure in me that's growing and requiring an answer. It requires me to get up and do things I don't want to do. It was a nice little walk, and I wasn't robbed even once. I saw things in a different way on foot then in the safety of my car. My perspective changed. I need more of that.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Hello there
I enjoy reading people's blogs. Maybe people will enjoy mine. Or maybe I just get some things out there anyway.
So here's generally where my life is right now. I left McNally Smith College of Music on God's leading and I'm currently working at Macy's Skyroom restaurant for Randy Bauer in downtown Minneapolis. I'm trying to work off debt from my Taiwan trip yet and eventually save some money up for North Central University this spring. I'm living in a house in North Minneapolis with one elusive housemate. The resulting silence has been telling. I only just got the job a few weeks ago, so God has used all that free time to teach me about myself and about Him.
At the moment, I'm learning again how to spend my time and how complicated I make things. I've believed that I can only follow God in certain moods, that I have to be serious to enjoy being with Him. I lost sight of the joy that comes in His presence. I watched a live stream online of IHOP (International House of Prayer [sorry pancake fans]) and it brought this to my attention. The Holy Spirit is an interesting character that doesn't seem to get near His proper place in most churches and gets kind of a bad rap. The man on the stage was, I would say, 'under the influence' of the Spirit. As he felt Him move, it would come out: he would bend over and shout out or laugh with the joy of it. The songs played and the stories told spoke of freedom from the pressure of performance. I've lived in fear of what people would think of my actions if I did anything out of the ordinary. I've tried to study enough, read my bible enough, but it's His Spirit that I miss. I try to engage my mind while my body, heart and soul lay dormant. I want to learn how to live fully, in every dimension. A music video I recieved via email yesterday said, "Don't be afraid to stand out; that's how the lost are found." It depicted a road trip the lead singer went on, praying for God to bring needy, hurting and broken people across her path. I started crying, out of nowhere. I know God has spoken.
I'm still working on my writing skills. Comment and let me know what you think about anything.
So here's generally where my life is right now. I left McNally Smith College of Music on God's leading and I'm currently working at Macy's Skyroom restaurant for Randy Bauer in downtown Minneapolis. I'm trying to work off debt from my Taiwan trip yet and eventually save some money up for North Central University this spring. I'm living in a house in North Minneapolis with one elusive housemate. The resulting silence has been telling. I only just got the job a few weeks ago, so God has used all that free time to teach me about myself and about Him.
At the moment, I'm learning again how to spend my time and how complicated I make things. I've believed that I can only follow God in certain moods, that I have to be serious to enjoy being with Him. I lost sight of the joy that comes in His presence. I watched a live stream online of IHOP (International House of Prayer [sorry pancake fans]) and it brought this to my attention. The Holy Spirit is an interesting character that doesn't seem to get near His proper place in most churches and gets kind of a bad rap. The man on the stage was, I would say, 'under the influence' of the Spirit. As he felt Him move, it would come out: he would bend over and shout out or laugh with the joy of it. The songs played and the stories told spoke of freedom from the pressure of performance. I've lived in fear of what people would think of my actions if I did anything out of the ordinary. I've tried to study enough, read my bible enough, but it's His Spirit that I miss. I try to engage my mind while my body, heart and soul lay dormant. I want to learn how to live fully, in every dimension. A music video I recieved via email yesterday said, "Don't be afraid to stand out; that's how the lost are found." It depicted a road trip the lead singer went on, praying for God to bring needy, hurting and broken people across her path. I started crying, out of nowhere. I know God has spoken.
I'm still working on my writing skills. Comment and let me know what you think about anything.
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