The Spirit Moves

It's been an interesting time. The biggest spiritual development has been the surprising increase in supernatural movement in my life. It's a bit hard to explain, and it's a pretty controversial subject, I suppose. I want people to know there's more though.
I was watching the IHOP webstream again (this is a while ago, now) and the internet cut out. I felt God leading me to stop watching and participate. So I laid down and said, "Whatever you want to do, do it." Before long the Holy Spirit came and 'manifested' in my body. This apparently can look very different for each person and for whatever the Spirit wants to do that day. For me it's mostly shaking, movement in my spine and such. I've been given the gift of praying in tongues as well. It is strange, no doubt, but it's intimate. God's spirit unites with my spirit. The deeper I get into God, the more my head spins when I try to understand Him. I used to be pretty smart on the topics of religion. Now all I can do is shake my head or laugh in wonder.
I'm seeking to know God as a person now. I've prayed to Him forever, but He's so mystical to me. It doesn't really feel completely like a relationship. He can do things in my body and heart, but sometimes it feels more like the repairman coming to fix things and leaving, or Barney saying he loves me and then going to commercial. I'm closer than I've ever been, but I can see that there's so much more.
Last night I went to the opening of the 'Boiler Room' in the Love Power building downtown. Once again, super strange. I got the invite on Facebook from someone I'd never met, but I knew what it was about and wanted in. There were people there, my age and older, that were so abandoned in the presence of God. Some were dancing and twirling, some spinning flags, some blowing rams' horns, some interceding for strangers (I being the stranger on one occasion,) and there was an empty chair in front of the musicians so they could focus on ministering to Jesus. As they said at the start, "If you came expecting a religious service, you came to the wrong place." Apparently. But they had such freedom that I have yet to know. I stood (or knelt or laid) in one spot facing the stage, and they wandered all around, dancing and singing. One girl my age prayed into the mic a prayer so simple and so desperate for God that I started crying. I cried so much that night. Sometimes I had a reason, sometimes I didn't. Oh, it was beautiful. But it still showed me how much freedom I don't yet have, and how much closer to God I can still get. I want more.
I'm struggling with something else, though. God's given me eyes for certain people's hearts, and I tell them when I see something amiss. Lately I have been so tormented about this, because the messages are harder and heavier to deliver. The person's usual first reaction is surprise and occasionally anger (wounded pride, for Valleybrookers.) As Ezekial was given the same job in the bible and got some stronger messages and reactions, I'm assuming I'm not off base and that I am following God's leadings. Satan's trying so hard to tear me down about this, which is probably another sign I'm going in the right direction. It's so hard to hurt the ones that I love though, so that they might grow.
I'm going to IHOP in Kansas City for Onething soon. I expect God to do a lot in me there, deliver me freedoms and heal my body in certain ways. North Central comes soon after that, and Christmas just before. Life's busy, but full at the same time.

The Wall

I'm unsatisfied. Yes, God's been doing tons in my life and moving in ways I'd never imagined, I'm making money and I've been accepted to the college God's chosen for me. I'm spending more time with God that I ever have. But He's called me to so much more than I've dreamed of. He wants me to stand out. He wants me to do great things. But.
I went to North Central's praise gathering a couple weeks ago and sang my heart out. Halfway through, a girl laid out an altar call for sexual sin. God's freed me so much in this area of my life and I asked Him if there was anyone He wanted me to pray for. Like, all-out, lay hands on and pray, which I had never done for a stranger. This is something I feel called to. He highlighted a girl who had walked down toward the front. I had been expecting a male, as I am a male, and I was frozen in place. I prayed for her, but I didn't go up, I didn't move, I didn't lay hands on her. The rest of the time was spent in torment for not doing what God wanted me to. He's designated me as a watchman over the hearts of people around me, especially women, and called me to show them freedom, love and healing when they are hurting. But He's calling me to a whole new level, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of talking to strangers, afraid of what people will think, afraid of having no words, no comfort for them, hurting them worse, looking stupid, being insufficient. My fear paralyzes me. As I read Wild Goose Chase, every word screams, "Do something!" but my fear stares back at me.
I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart as God sets me free of things. Usually, when He illuminates something broken in me, I submit it and it gets burned away. This wall I see clearly now, and it's not just going away. Too much of my spirit agrees with the fear. How do I move when I'm paralyzed? How do I act on God's strength when fear blinds me?
I just took a walk through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is sketchy. Everyone gives me funny looks, and there's shoes tied together and draped over the power lines. Needless to say I don't take walks often. But there's such a sense of spiritual adventure in me that's growing and requiring an answer. It requires me to get up and do things I don't want to do. It was a nice little walk, and I wasn't robbed even once. I saw things in a different way on foot then in the safety of my car. My perspective changed. I need more of that.

Hello there

I enjoy reading people's blogs. Maybe people will enjoy mine. Or maybe I just get some things out there anyway.

So here's generally where my life is right now. I left McNally Smith College of Music on God's leading and I'm currently working at Macy's Skyroom restaurant for Randy Bauer in downtown Minneapolis. I'm trying to work off debt from my Taiwan trip yet and eventually save some money up for North Central University this spring. I'm living in a house in North Minneapolis with one elusive housemate. The resulting silence has been telling. I only just got the job a few weeks ago, so God has used all that free time to teach me about myself and about Him.

At the moment, I'm learning again how to spend my time and how complicated I make things. I've believed that I can only follow God in certain moods, that I have to be serious to enjoy being with Him. I lost sight of the joy that comes in His presence. I watched a live stream online of IHOP (International House of Prayer [sorry pancake fans]) and it brought this to my attention. The Holy Spirit is an interesting character that doesn't seem to get near His proper place in most churches and gets kind of a bad rap. The man on the stage was, I would say, 'under the influence' of the Spirit. As he felt Him move, it would come out: he would bend over and shout out or laugh with the joy of it. The songs played and the stories told spoke of freedom from the pressure of performance. I've lived in fear of what people would think of my actions if I did anything out of the ordinary. I've tried to study enough, read my bible enough, but it's His Spirit that I miss. I try to engage my mind while my body, heart and soul lay dormant. I want to learn how to live fully, in every dimension. A music video I recieved via email yesterday said, "Don't be afraid to stand out; that's how the lost are found." It depicted a road trip the lead singer went on, praying for God to bring needy, hurting and broken people across her path. I started crying, out of nowhere. I know God has spoken.

I'm still working on my writing skills. Comment and let me know what you think about anything.