The Wall

I'm unsatisfied. Yes, God's been doing tons in my life and moving in ways I'd never imagined, I'm making money and I've been accepted to the college God's chosen for me. I'm spending more time with God that I ever have. But He's called me to so much more than I've dreamed of. He wants me to stand out. He wants me to do great things. But.
I went to North Central's praise gathering a couple weeks ago and sang my heart out. Halfway through, a girl laid out an altar call for sexual sin. God's freed me so much in this area of my life and I asked Him if there was anyone He wanted me to pray for. Like, all-out, lay hands on and pray, which I had never done for a stranger. This is something I feel called to. He highlighted a girl who had walked down toward the front. I had been expecting a male, as I am a male, and I was frozen in place. I prayed for her, but I didn't go up, I didn't move, I didn't lay hands on her. The rest of the time was spent in torment for not doing what God wanted me to. He's designated me as a watchman over the hearts of people around me, especially women, and called me to show them freedom, love and healing when they are hurting. But He's calling me to a whole new level, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of talking to strangers, afraid of what people will think, afraid of having no words, no comfort for them, hurting them worse, looking stupid, being insufficient. My fear paralyzes me. As I read Wild Goose Chase, every word screams, "Do something!" but my fear stares back at me.
I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart as God sets me free of things. Usually, when He illuminates something broken in me, I submit it and it gets burned away. This wall I see clearly now, and it's not just going away. Too much of my spirit agrees with the fear. How do I move when I'm paralyzed? How do I act on God's strength when fear blinds me?
I just took a walk through my neighborhood. My neighborhood is sketchy. Everyone gives me funny looks, and there's shoes tied together and draped over the power lines. Needless to say I don't take walks often. But there's such a sense of spiritual adventure in me that's growing and requiring an answer. It requires me to get up and do things I don't want to do. It was a nice little walk, and I wasn't robbed even once. I saw things in a different way on foot then in the safety of my car. My perspective changed. I need more of that.

Hello there

I enjoy reading people's blogs. Maybe people will enjoy mine. Or maybe I just get some things out there anyway.

So here's generally where my life is right now. I left McNally Smith College of Music on God's leading and I'm currently working at Macy's Skyroom restaurant for Randy Bauer in downtown Minneapolis. I'm trying to work off debt from my Taiwan trip yet and eventually save some money up for North Central University this spring. I'm living in a house in North Minneapolis with one elusive housemate. The resulting silence has been telling. I only just got the job a few weeks ago, so God has used all that free time to teach me about myself and about Him.

At the moment, I'm learning again how to spend my time and how complicated I make things. I've believed that I can only follow God in certain moods, that I have to be serious to enjoy being with Him. I lost sight of the joy that comes in His presence. I watched a live stream online of IHOP (International House of Prayer [sorry pancake fans]) and it brought this to my attention. The Holy Spirit is an interesting character that doesn't seem to get near His proper place in most churches and gets kind of a bad rap. The man on the stage was, I would say, 'under the influence' of the Spirit. As he felt Him move, it would come out: he would bend over and shout out or laugh with the joy of it. The songs played and the stories told spoke of freedom from the pressure of performance. I've lived in fear of what people would think of my actions if I did anything out of the ordinary. I've tried to study enough, read my bible enough, but it's His Spirit that I miss. I try to engage my mind while my body, heart and soul lay dormant. I want to learn how to live fully, in every dimension. A music video I recieved via email yesterday said, "Don't be afraid to stand out; that's how the lost are found." It depicted a road trip the lead singer went on, praying for God to bring needy, hurting and broken people across her path. I started crying, out of nowhere. I know God has spoken.

I'm still working on my writing skills. Comment and let me know what you think about anything.