Lion

I just spent two hours with some good Christian brothers watching Saturday Night Live and came away from it feeling sick. Everyone, including myself, laughed at some point. There was some entertainment value, but it just wasn't nearly worth the cost. I want to think, feel, and act like Christ. If I'm allowing that into my mind, it doesn't matter if I agree with it or not. It becomes part of my worldview, how I see things. I see people swearing, insulting, and offering their genitals to others in boxes and label it as humor instead of sinful.

I'm seriously fired up about this. God's been giving me a heart for purity and an aggression toward anything that threatens it. He's been calling me a lion lately, and I'm feeling what that means tonight. If we want to be the church and bride of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be pure! That means sacrificing things that don't bring us closer to Him. Everything we do must bring us closer to Him! Do we not say we're living, or at least wanting to live, wholly surrendered to Him? Then why would we watch what He wouldn't, play what He wouldn't, accept what He wouldn't? C'mon!

My heart hurts over this! I'm tired of being silent and I certainly should have said more tonight, and even more so on previous occasions. We don't realize how much faster we'll be transformed into Christ's likeness if we stop gazing on the television and seek the heart of God. We're lied to by the enemy that we would be bored if we sat with God for as long as we could watch TV. This isn't true. He may not always satisfy immediately, but He will move whether or not you feel it. Go to Him expectantly, without agenda, and see if He doesn't reward you. Those who seek WILL find. If not immediately, look again. He wants to be the only one that satisfies you and will equip you for it! He will change your heart if you let Him.

We won't have revival without repentance. Christ won't come without a pure bride. If you're hungry to see the church alive, then let God be who He is! No more 10 minute morning and evening prayers. Sit with Him, in His Word, in worship, or in prayer for an hour or more. Let Him satisfy you in ways the world never could. I dare you. I say this because I've tasted and seen! The Lord is that good. Please let this sink in and pray over it.

Re(s/v)olution

I can't leave my previous blog unresolved, so here's the thrilling conclusion?

I'm no longer depressed and in pain. I'm joyful.

There it is.

I suppose you want the story to go with it. If you give a mouse a cookie, right? haha

So last week at small group, The Gary Clark and I talked and prayed, and though I couldn't say precisely what I wanted, I knew I needed a move of God's love, to know Him deeper as a person. A day or two later, I was laying down seeking God and I pictured myself standing in my heart (like Magic School Bus-type thing) and seeing a big gelatinous blob chilling there. That was my depression. It had developed nearly 8 years ago and has apparently just been chilling there ever since. I knew (instinctively, I guess) that it would take joy from God to resolve it. I pondered this a bit and very soon I was right back in my heart with a guest: Jesus. He laid His hand on the blob and right away it quickly shrank to nothing. He left some sort of golden orb there as a reminder as well, an altar of remembrance I suppose. I'm not completely sure of the significance of that yet. But I felt this in my heart immediately. I was filled with joy and I have been ever since. My emotions have certainly waxed and waned, but there's always a joyful heart waiting underneath now. Praise the Lord!

Bonus story:
A few weeks ago my friend Katelyn badly burned one of her feet and I told her I would cover her in prayer (which I did.) A week or so later, at about 3 am, I woke up with my left foot painfully itching. I turned on the light and checked it over and nothing looked wrong at all. I was reminded of Katelyn's situation and and prayed for her and slowly my pain/itch faded. I asked her via Facebook, "Was it your left foot?," and it was. She had gone to the ER that night because it had become infected. I've heard of this kind of stuff before, but it's so much cooler to have God do it in you.

Oh, and the revolution part? Well, I just feel inspired to make music lately. I know and I see that God is raising up musicians to lead a movement. Whole-hearted worshippers like Flyleaf, norm-challengers like Switchfoot, and those who long for His return like Anberlin. All these have been around a while, but they're all more mainstream than ever and it's becoming seemingly more acceptable to look at God in the music scene, even for secular artists (30 Seconds to Mars?.) I saw a quote last night on Switchfoot's The Sound music video:

Any movement to start that's gonna move anywhere is gotta get music to drive it... We gotta get music to drive what we are doing. ~John M. Perkins

...And I want to be that music.

Summertime Blues

So, it's been a while.

Recap:
The rest of my semester at school was amazing. That prayer group grew, meeting in the auditorium every day at four, learning to pray under God's leading. In the last days, though, things started clouding up fast for me spiritually. I could no longer distinguish God from other spirits and occasionally followed the wrong one. I cried often (which is really unusual for me) because I wasn't getting my rest in God and nothing else satisfied. Nothing was going as I had planned: my car was a money pit, I couldn't find a job, random other monetary demands came at me.

Although I still don't have a job and I'm completely on monetary life-support from my parents, I finally feel spiritually... ok. I've learned to find God's voice (for the first time) in the Bible, where I'm supposed to find it. It grounds my prayer, gives me a base for actually hearing God again in a real, new way. While I'm still very uncomfortable, I can feel Him again. I can trust Him. I have a local spiritual community and a little hope. I still don't feel good...

Ok, so I'm really bad at writing about emotion, because I have zero experience in it. Emotions are hard and inconvinient and I don't know what to do with them. I'm tempted to go to surface talk, it's not nearly as easy to be self-controlled. I thought I was really good at self-control. I thought I was really good in general for a long time. But...

Preface: I had a conversation with Gloria in her dorm one evening and she made a comment to the effect of, "I am not a jelly donut, I am whole grain bread."
"...?"
"I'm rough around the edges, tough to get through, but really good for you."
Crystal walks in: "I'm like broccolli:" Something about green and cheesy
Meanwhile I have no idea what kind of... spiritual food I would be.

The next day, Gloria, Katrina, Sadie and I went to a bible study at NorthWestern where Gloria was to speak. The night ended with prophesy, which, for me, is very not normal. We gathered in a circle and one at a time someone was prayed for in the middle, someone(s) else would get some sort of prophetic image/vision and others would get interpretation. When I was in the middle, Sadie got an image of scrambled eggs.
That's what spiritual food I am.
I'm really a mess.
And at a later prayer meeting, Sadie said I'm still scrambled eggs, but now there's some cayanne pepper or something in there making me cry.
So there it is: uncomfortable, emotional, messy. And though I really, really wanted to say everything's wrapping up nicely, that's not how life works, despite my previous obliviousness (oblivion?).

And I was feeling good before I started writing. Gosh. Heart digging is a bit more painful with emotion (substance) there.

Belief

I realized today that I believe things very strongly. I'm very passionate about the things I believe in. But I'm so hesitant to tell people. I'm so hesitant to let others know my beliefs. For instance, God spoke to me today. He had me write down basically a page of stuff and then read it at the prayer meeting I was at today. Later someone asked, "Did you get that straight from God?" I couldn't say yes. I had to explain myself, work into it. It feels cocky or presumptuous to say it's God speaking through me. But I believe very strongly that that's what it was. Same goes for theological stuff. I have opinions, believe it or not. Ask me, and watch. Hold me accountable here; help me build my confidence.

Here's what God had me write down and read this afternoon:

I love you. I love you with all of my heart. You will never miss what I have for you. I have it all planned out. Such great things are in store for you! Are you ready? It's coming hard and fast; be prepared and watch for me. I'm coming. Are you living for that day? Are you ready to stand before me in my glory? You don't stand a chance unless you let me prepare you. You're going to be so much more than you are or were, more than you've seen. I've made this generation with a special purpose: to prepare the way. Unseen forces will come against you; astonishing things. But do not fear, for I am with you. I love you. I Love You! Me! The God of the Universe. Are you ready for me? Are you ready for me to come? You have nothing on your own strength, but I will make you great if you abide in me. Nothing will stop you, seen or unseen, if you stay with me. I love you. I will never leave you. You are my child. You can't grow up and move away. I have room in my house for you forever. No rent, no dues to pay, just love, forever. Are you ready? Then live like it! That's what's in store, what's coming. You won't find anything better; stop trying. None of your games or friends can please you like I can. Live like it. I am coming, and if you're not prepared, there's Hell to pay. But let me make you ready and you'll never regret your choice. You'll live life unashamed, unafraid, no enemies worth speaking of. Your eyes on higher things, you'll rule this world with Me. You are in Me and I am in You. The God of the Universe, abiding in you. Live like it, and you'll see me, see my face, my glory in all it's beauty. I love you, child. You are my beloved and I delight in you.

Offensive

I'm living at North Central University in the dorms and I have a lot to learn. Living with people that go to bed later than I do is new. All my little survival mechanisms are being deactivated as I run into situations where they just don't work anymore. I wanted to cling to the slow paced life I'm used to, with plenty of time to think and sort through what's going on, but I can't slow the demands on my time and money. I'm not used to dealing with people all day everyday. I would deal with people a few hours, then go home and reset myself. It's a lot of change at once.
I've found a deeply rooted dislike for true intimacy in my heart. I don't fully understand it yet, but here are the highlights. There are a few people here that are so in love with Jesus that they are in constant awe, amazed at who He is. I love that on Sunday night, but it makes me rather uncomfortable in a science class in the middle of the day. It offends me. I'm looking for information, not emotion. I've spent many years in school numb and silent, and it's really unusual to be having conversations with a near stranger about the love of God before class. I can't sit in awe of God when I just want to find out how metabolism works so I can pass the next exam. But I want that passion so badly. I want to stop caring what other people think and be able sit and close my eyes to receive love from God if I need to.
I stumbled upon a prayer meeting on my dorm floor that meets everyday in the afternoon. It's the same thing. I can say a nice prayer about how I want revival to come here, but it God starts moving His Spirit in my body and leading me to cry out, it doesn't compute. I want God to reign in me; I want to be an open vessel but part of me still wants others' opinions of me to remain favorable. It's contradictory. I've said it a thousand times, but now my actions have to line up.

onething '09 pt. 2

(Read pt. 1 first, below. Then read this.)

I still have a lot to tell.

Day 3. We went to the morning session taught by Loren Cunningham, founder of YWAM and probably the most well-traveled man in history. He had some amazing stories, including one of a team of 23 youths in Africa that, by serving them and sharing the gospel, broke apart an entire militant camp of thousands of people. I spent the afternoon in the prayer room and the evening gathering was all awakening focus. Instead of having a speaker, the Holy Spirit was given free reign to do what He would.
Here's where it gets ridiculous. As we started seeking the Lord, He started healing people. Someone near the front lifted up their leg cast and started waving it in the air. A few seconds later a group of people lifted up a wheelchair and started waving it in the air. The girl in the wheelchair testified on stage soon afterward; she had had some sort of severe scoliosis that God healed. A person I had met the night before had his chronic knee pain healed and was jumping around. When he was prayed for after that, he was immediately slain in the spirit (I guess that's what you call that, it just sounds really really weird) quite dramatically, falling over backwards before anyone was near enough to catch him.
Wes Hall, the man onstage, was calling out things God was declaring He wanted to heal. When he said, "Raise your hand if you have asthma," I did, and quickly had about 7 people's hands on me in prayer. I went down pretty quickly. Although we're always encouraged to test it out, see if you've been healed, I was hesitant and stayed to worship. One of the guys behind me that prayed for me asked if I had, and I (again hesitantly) went out to see what I could do to test it out. I ran down the aisles, but there wasn't room enough in any direction to keep going. I then went to the bookstore (a large open area) and tried it out there. My stomach started cramping up a little and I got severely thirsty and heavy breathing after a couple laps, but no where near what I would have had before. Normally I'd have to sit down and I'd have a very sore chest and throat. I'm still hesitant to just say it's healed, but that's what it seems to point to. Here at school I can go up and down several flights of stairs quickly without serious fatigue, which is new.
I went over to the drinking fountain because I was thirsty. While standing in line, a guy in an IHOP-U shirt in front of me saw me twitching a little bit yet and started laughing. He put his hand on me and shouted, "More, Lord!" I was on the ground again, right in front of the bathrooms. It was rather humorous.
Later we went into kind of a time of intercession and I started... groaning, I guess? It was basically shouting, "Oh!" a lot. As it started, Allen Hood (who was on the stage, quoted the verse about the Spirit making intercession in groanings and utterances beyond our comprehension, so I believe that's what that was. Toward the end, I got an image of an eye in my mind, like a painting in a museum. I had heard that's a sign to pray for someone with a problem in that area, so I stored that in my mind.
The shuttle back to IHOP base was basically a drunk (in the Spirit) bus. People were falling all over, praying for each other, prophesying, and most of all, laughing. As I was giggling, Mike in the seat behind me stuck a rolled-up piece of paper in my ear to say, "This is the call of a yak: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAK! YYYYYAAAAAAK!" The guy next to me was wearing glasses, so remembering that image I had, I prayed for his eyes to be healed. I don't know if they were or not. I don't have a ton of faith in this area yet, which I feel is somewhat required.
I woke up the next morning pretty sore, but I led a Taiwanese friend to pray to recieve Christ as Lord over Facebook Chat. He was trying to figure out what to do with his life, so I gave him what I'm doing with mine. I was pretty pumped about that.
To kinda sum up the rest of it, I believe I'm called to be a full-time musician, likely in a prayer room of some kind. Lou Engle spoke out on New Year's Eve against abortion and a prophetic word given to him about God planning to bring 2 for 1: two new people to Christ for every victim of abortion. Wow. The awesomeness continued throughout that day, but I don't have it journaled, so I can't really pick out much of what happened. We spent New Year's night at Mark's house and left in the morning. The end.

onething '09 pt. 1

I have a lot to tell.

So over the Christmas break, I went to onething '09 conference at IHOP-Kansas City. Michael Pardun and I arrived the night before the conference started. We peeked in the prayer room and could immediately feel a powerful sense of God's presence. We dropped our stuff off at the house we were staying at and then went back. We spent an hour there and God prepared me for the conference by breaking down the barrier of insecurity over my heart. Over the conference the power of God was so strong in that gathering, in those people. Everybody prayed for everybody, and there was such an easy sense of community; everyone was there because they wanted God. It's going to be really hard to organize what happened in me when into a timeline though, so here's some stories.
The first session of the conference began and once I could somewhat wrap my head around what was going on, I dove into the worship. Misty Edwards led, proclaiming, "I'm in love with God and He's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be and that settles it." Mike Bickle probably taught something and then we went into 'ministry time.' 'Ministry time' is when we ask the Holy Spirit to come and do something and then He does something. I was up near the front and people laid their hands on me and prayed. I was shaking to much to remain standing so I laid down to drink in what God was doing. One of the people that came by to pray for me (they came and went) started prophesying over me, saying that I'm a man of clean hands and pure heart, my Father loves His son and that I would see the Lord. The last part was a bit vague, and I puzzled over it a little bit. That evening they had an awakening service, which is basically the same as a ministry time. I went down three more times under prayer (some of them quite a bit less gradual than the first) and I was told that I would heal the sick and cast out demons. Although the atmosphere was so new, I felt so much at home there.
The next day we slept in and watched the first message via webcast and then took the shuttle in. I found out there was a healing room, so I went to check it out because I wanted my eyes healed. I had been praying for it the day before as well because others were getting healed of things. It'd be something dramatic that I could show everyone what God had done for me. The guys prayed for my healing, but God made it clear to me that He wasn't going to give me that when I was seeking healing above Him. I was somewhat apathetic during the afternoon session due to my tiredness and my misguided search for healing.
Mark, our friend who moved from Wisconsin down to Kansas City, hung out with us and the three of us swapped stories of what God was doing/had been doing in us. After finishing our conversation and our Lunchables, Mark wanted to pray for us, so we went (of course) to the prayer room. With a hand on each of our shoulders, he asked the Holy Spirit to come as he prayed individually for each of us. When he finished, we simply waited there for the Spirit. I started to twitch again. He started whispering "Fire" and before long I was on the floor again. They both prayed for me (once dragging me out of the walkway) as God worked deep in me. God spoke of the priority of my relationship with Him; I'm not bound to the expectations of others. He reaffirmed and clarified the word a stranger had for me the day before: You will see me when I return. Wow. Mike Bickle has said multiple times that he believes people in that room would live to see Jesus when He returns, and if that's what He's talking about, wow. As they were still praying for me, Michael leaned in and prophesied over me! He said my lips would be set afire to speak truth and wisdom and the Gospel. The Fire of the Holy Spirit would come out from my mouth. After a while, I told Mark and Mike they could go on as I just sat and soaked in God's presence.
When I finally got upstairs, there was a musical celebration going on with "Jesus, Let Me See Your Eyes" (Cory Asbury.) I finally found my friends when the jumping settled down. I found myself free to really start praying for others around me. It's incredible to see everyone agreeing in prayer for each other and God's power flourishing in that atmosphere. I felt unusual warmth on my hands as I prayed for my friend Gabe, releasing even more of God's work. The boldness and confidence came from having my only obligation be God, and fear of others opinions just didn't make sense anymore. Perfect love casts out all fear. I found even after I left, I would shake or have some sort of tic just about everytime I laughed, felt joyful, or simply felt God's Spirit doing something.
I'm going to have to end there. I'll have the rest later.