Belief

I realized today that I believe things very strongly. I'm very passionate about the things I believe in. But I'm so hesitant to tell people. I'm so hesitant to let others know my beliefs. For instance, God spoke to me today. He had me write down basically a page of stuff and then read it at the prayer meeting I was at today. Later someone asked, "Did you get that straight from God?" I couldn't say yes. I had to explain myself, work into it. It feels cocky or presumptuous to say it's God speaking through me. But I believe very strongly that that's what it was. Same goes for theological stuff. I have opinions, believe it or not. Ask me, and watch. Hold me accountable here; help me build my confidence.

Here's what God had me write down and read this afternoon:

I love you. I love you with all of my heart. You will never miss what I have for you. I have it all planned out. Such great things are in store for you! Are you ready? It's coming hard and fast; be prepared and watch for me. I'm coming. Are you living for that day? Are you ready to stand before me in my glory? You don't stand a chance unless you let me prepare you. You're going to be so much more than you are or were, more than you've seen. I've made this generation with a special purpose: to prepare the way. Unseen forces will come against you; astonishing things. But do not fear, for I am with you. I love you. I Love You! Me! The God of the Universe. Are you ready for me? Are you ready for me to come? You have nothing on your own strength, but I will make you great if you abide in me. Nothing will stop you, seen or unseen, if you stay with me. I love you. I will never leave you. You are my child. You can't grow up and move away. I have room in my house for you forever. No rent, no dues to pay, just love, forever. Are you ready? Then live like it! That's what's in store, what's coming. You won't find anything better; stop trying. None of your games or friends can please you like I can. Live like it. I am coming, and if you're not prepared, there's Hell to pay. But let me make you ready and you'll never regret your choice. You'll live life unashamed, unafraid, no enemies worth speaking of. Your eyes on higher things, you'll rule this world with Me. You are in Me and I am in You. The God of the Universe, abiding in you. Live like it, and you'll see me, see my face, my glory in all it's beauty. I love you, child. You are my beloved and I delight in you.

Offensive

I'm living at North Central University in the dorms and I have a lot to learn. Living with people that go to bed later than I do is new. All my little survival mechanisms are being deactivated as I run into situations where they just don't work anymore. I wanted to cling to the slow paced life I'm used to, with plenty of time to think and sort through what's going on, but I can't slow the demands on my time and money. I'm not used to dealing with people all day everyday. I would deal with people a few hours, then go home and reset myself. It's a lot of change at once.
I've found a deeply rooted dislike for true intimacy in my heart. I don't fully understand it yet, but here are the highlights. There are a few people here that are so in love with Jesus that they are in constant awe, amazed at who He is. I love that on Sunday night, but it makes me rather uncomfortable in a science class in the middle of the day. It offends me. I'm looking for information, not emotion. I've spent many years in school numb and silent, and it's really unusual to be having conversations with a near stranger about the love of God before class. I can't sit in awe of God when I just want to find out how metabolism works so I can pass the next exam. But I want that passion so badly. I want to stop caring what other people think and be able sit and close my eyes to receive love from God if I need to.
I stumbled upon a prayer meeting on my dorm floor that meets everyday in the afternoon. It's the same thing. I can say a nice prayer about how I want revival to come here, but it God starts moving His Spirit in my body and leading me to cry out, it doesn't compute. I want God to reign in me; I want to be an open vessel but part of me still wants others' opinions of me to remain favorable. It's contradictory. I've said it a thousand times, but now my actions have to line up.