Summertime Blues

So, it's been a while.

Recap:
The rest of my semester at school was amazing. That prayer group grew, meeting in the auditorium every day at four, learning to pray under God's leading. In the last days, though, things started clouding up fast for me spiritually. I could no longer distinguish God from other spirits and occasionally followed the wrong one. I cried often (which is really unusual for me) because I wasn't getting my rest in God and nothing else satisfied. Nothing was going as I had planned: my car was a money pit, I couldn't find a job, random other monetary demands came at me.

Although I still don't have a job and I'm completely on monetary life-support from my parents, I finally feel spiritually... ok. I've learned to find God's voice (for the first time) in the Bible, where I'm supposed to find it. It grounds my prayer, gives me a base for actually hearing God again in a real, new way. While I'm still very uncomfortable, I can feel Him again. I can trust Him. I have a local spiritual community and a little hope. I still don't feel good...

Ok, so I'm really bad at writing about emotion, because I have zero experience in it. Emotions are hard and inconvinient and I don't know what to do with them. I'm tempted to go to surface talk, it's not nearly as easy to be self-controlled. I thought I was really good at self-control. I thought I was really good in general for a long time. But...

Preface: I had a conversation with Gloria in her dorm one evening and she made a comment to the effect of, "I am not a jelly donut, I am whole grain bread."
"...?"
"I'm rough around the edges, tough to get through, but really good for you."
Crystal walks in: "I'm like broccolli:" Something about green and cheesy
Meanwhile I have no idea what kind of... spiritual food I would be.

The next day, Gloria, Katrina, Sadie and I went to a bible study at NorthWestern where Gloria was to speak. The night ended with prophesy, which, for me, is very not normal. We gathered in a circle and one at a time someone was prayed for in the middle, someone(s) else would get some sort of prophetic image/vision and others would get interpretation. When I was in the middle, Sadie got an image of scrambled eggs.
That's what spiritual food I am.
I'm really a mess.
And at a later prayer meeting, Sadie said I'm still scrambled eggs, but now there's some cayanne pepper or something in there making me cry.
So there it is: uncomfortable, emotional, messy. And though I really, really wanted to say everything's wrapping up nicely, that's not how life works, despite my previous obliviousness (oblivion?).

And I was feeling good before I started writing. Gosh. Heart digging is a bit more painful with emotion (substance) there.